Pills of Emotions...Valium please!

Well's criteria

2010-11-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

In patients' complaining of calf pain, thorough history needs to be taken to diagnose the underlying aetiology. The differential diagnosis of calf pain would be

Calf muscle tear - sports history, site of pain, etc.
Cellulitis - Asked any infections symptoms (fever, erythematous, N,V)
Ruptured Baker's Cyst - arthritis history, knee effusion might be present.
Superficial thrombophlebitis - Area of greater saphenous vein is important (higher risk of PE)
DVT - High risk profile are previous VTE, VTE in family, chronic heart failure, recent long-plane travel, HRT/OCP/tamoxifen, smoking, BMI>30, pregnancy, recent immobility (surgery, paralysed, plaster), known trombophilia, recent weight loss/change in bowel habit.

According to Well's criteria:

Active cancer
Paralysis/paresis/plaster immobilisation of LL
History of DVT
Pitting oedema on affected leg
Tenderness on deep vein distribution
The affected leg swollen > 3cm compared to the other leg.
Entire leg swollen.
Collateral superficial veins (non-varicose)
Alternative diagnosis of DVT

Each criteria score 1, and criteria 9 score -2.

Low probability of DVT/PE is <0, intermediate, 1-2 and high probability if scores > 3

Sarcoidosis

2010-11-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

Definition of Sarcoidosis:
It is a granulomatous disorder (non-caseating granuloma) and multisystemic. Commonly affect the lungs, skins, and eyes (liver as well).

Epidemiology of Sarcoidosis:
It affects young population 20 - 40 yo. More women than men. Higher prevalence in Northern Europe (Irish as well).

Aetiology:
Genetic factor and environmental trigger sarcoidosis process.

Signs and Symptoms of Sarcoidosis:
Depending on the systems involved. Patients with lung sarcoidosis usually have abnormal CXR. They have bilateral hilar lymphadenopathy (BHL), with or without fibrosis. Fatigue is common. SOB, chest pain, dry cough.

Tests:
ESR, LFT, lymphopenia, serum ACE, immunoglobulin (increased).
CXR (BHL, or BHL with infiltrates, or infiltrates only, or pulmonary fibrosis)

Diagnostic test:
tissue biopsy - non-caseating granulomata.

Management;
Steroids, if indicated (40mg/24hr) 4 -6 weekly. Than taper off for a year:

parenchymal lung disease
uveitis
hypercalcemia
neurological or cardiological involvement

Non-caseating granuloma - consistent with sarcoidosis.

Prognosis: 60% of patients with lung sarcoidosis will have a resolved episodes over 20 years. 20% will need steroid therapy, and the rest; improvement is unlikely despite therapy

Framingham Criteria for CHF

2010-11-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

Framingham criteria for Congestive heart failure

Diagnosis of CHF is made when 2 major criteria are met. Or 1 major criteria with 2 minor criteria

Major criteria

1. PND

2. Crepitations

3. S3 gallops

4. Acute pulmonary edema

5. Cardiomegaly on CXR

6. Neck vein distention

7. Increased central venous pressure

8. Loss of >4.5kg in 5 days of therapy

9. Hepatojugular reflux

Minor criteria:

1. Nocturnal cough

2. Tachycardia

3. Dyspnea on ordinary activities

4. Bilateral ankle oedema

5. Hepatomegaly

6. Pleural effusion on CXR

7. Decreased vital capacity by 1/3 of maximum recorded

2010-10-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

New Blog

2010-04-04T03:08:00.000-07:00

Got a new place for my blogs, for all d depressing words, the downright offensive, or even the looney entries to the other site!!

It's been nice having followers here, and I appreciates everyone's who takes time to read my rants and rambles about my life.

The blog's new and squeaky clean for the moment, since I've no patience as yet to refurbish it and make it cozy. But it'll be, as I learned all those tools. :p

I guess probably this will be my last published post to the whole world, :p. Need to learn what private means, :)

Thanks everyone!! And to my sis, I'll drop my link in your mailbox. Or if anyone wants a link, drop me a comment or email!

Till later,

Swept me away, now please!!

2010-04-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

Something tells me I still likes you, that little heart of mine, kept on saying, you're the one. But I don't see how it will happen, and when. Oh you drives me crazy, and hecticness kept me from thinking. The more I fooled around, the more I wanted you to just say yes.

I am cwazyyy, ccwwaaazzyy, cwazy woman.

By the way, enough about that. I've booked my tickets away to somewhere!! I'll be off, away from Dublin from 1st May till 8th. Woo hoo! I can't wait for that. And yep, I'm going alone, and I truly wished I can go anywhere by myself, not relying on anyone. For some reasons, I'm always looking for some travel partner, and most of the time am lucky to find one at the nick of time. Not this time around. I still wants to go to GREECE though. Anyone's free and willing to be my travelling partner during 10th May onwards? I don't mind anyone, :p

Well, I guess I'm the only one who's tired of the same ole' place, the same ole' face, the same ole' weather. Life is too short to be spent complacently. And I'm too impatient to see the clock moves by second.

Dublin's weather is weird. It's snowing in late March, and cold again. Not a great weather for easter holiday. I guess it's just typical Dublin to have weird weather.

Too much drama happens lately, though not really affecting me. But it certainly affecting my opinions, and views on privacy. Oh well, as a friend states, this is life, and human beings are vicious. Even friends can't protect each other.And, as Nietzche says; “Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter."

Medical Musing

2010-04-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

As medical student, I'm trained to be fair and equal to all patients seeking care. I need to see past their racial status, wealth, religion, and behaviour. It's a duty to protect and care them no matter what.

So, a patient then comes in with a history of alcohol dependency. He consumed 40 units of alcohol a week, and presented with a mild acute and chronic liver failure. His INR was 1.68, without anticoagulation therapy. A doctor said to me, I couldn't care less what he did to get that disease, all I need is to 'repair' him to the initial state before he's sick. That's in context of being non-judgemental.

It's easy for me to look past race and religion. But behaviour? I have some troubles. He's an IVDU, and had a recent injection, of which triggers an infection that leads to sepsis. Or, he's a drunk driver, and involved in polytrauma accident.

To risk your life, and putting a huge burden on everyone so that you can have your life the way you want it to be...is simply trouble. Maybe I'm judgemental in this matters, but who is free of being judgemental? What will work for me, I guess is to put aside whatever I feel and do what's best for the patient.

You guys rock! Seriously

2010-03-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

If a picture tells a thousand word, that's true. I'm happy, tired, and enjoying my time in Beaumont. Something I rarely do before. These 2 have taught me a lot this past month.

I just adore them. And...the more I look at this pic, I have to say, I do look like one of the brown!! If I say I'm an Indian, people will not say NO WAY.

Oh well... I don't really mind about that.. But I am obsessed on how SHORT I look in the pic.

There's one more week left, and I'll make full use of it. Sigh. I know I'll be missing the life I've had for the past 1 month and their company.

Hope I'll cross path again with them. Probably working together? *crossing finger*

2010-03-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Halfway through Talley, and craving for cereal with cold milk.. hahahah. Then, decided to rattle here, instead of finishing my readings.

I am so unsettled right now. Sigh. Wish I can have my holiday rite now, and fly myself away from here. My own world, where no one knows me, and no one expected anything. Phew.

I want my book to be something else, not talley... I want a holiday, out of Dublin. Where the sun shines, and no rains. It's not nice to walk around with the cloud all over.

Why can't I be a bit taller? LOL. like at least, 3-4 inches more. It'll be great. -Currently have this obsession of being short-

- I want a tan right now. I don't care if it makes me look...so ketidak melayuan. aish.-

Feeling crap from the here-but-not really here fever.

Run, run. run...runnnnnn. To serenity. -unsettled mood, and no idea why-

Random

2010-03-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

Me: I'm rambling now, I don't make sense
P: Yeah, and you're too random.
Me: I knoooww. What's my problem???
P: You talked too much? :p
Me: hahahahahh. Probably. But I can't stop. Unless someone's get irritated with my voice I won't stop rattling. hahaha. Admit that you actually like me talking.
P: hahahaah. true.

Talkative. Random. Impulsive. It's a good thing my parents teach me to have manners. haha. If not, I think I'll do whatever I want to do and have no qualms what so ever. Oh, and not having an annoying voice is a good thing as well. :p

And, I'm a narcist. hahah.I'm all about me.com. Well, I rarely talked about other's stories, simply because my own story is more exciting. hehehe. In a way that's good. Coz I rarely gossips about others. hahah.

- Fever during weekend is a way to spoil your time off -

10 most ridiculous things

2010-03-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

1. Bought a lace camisoles, for 30euros.. I dunno what got into my mind at that time.. Though it's the nicest top I've ever had. But for my student budget...a 30eur camisoles is ridiculous..

2. Impulsively texting some random guy saying, hey I like you. LOL. Crazy time, crazy mind. I'm still impulsive now, just wiser. hahah. I have no idea why I did that. I don't even remember how he looks like after a month. Maybe the effect of being let free to do whatever I want here make me go a bit crazy~

3. Walking in the heavy rain, in cold wet DUBLIN. I was out of it. hahahah. I was, too upset about some things that I don't want to feel anything. Ended up walking in the rain. Well, not a bad experience. It helps to calm my mind in a way. Better than facing some faces.

4.Confessing my feelings to someone, ending up being a mixed-up of some sort... Totally random and... spontaneous. Though now, I wished I never say a word about it to that particular person. Thankfully, he's such a great guy he's never been weird or anything. :-)

5. Finishing half of the credit card limit in 1 shopping spree... It happens during my 1st year of boxing day. I went crazy. Not anymore. :p

6. Trying my luck to run away from someone, and ending up being together most of the time... same class, same group, same everything. Thinking back, I dunno why it happens. It's just plain funny and weird

7. Having a HUGE fight with some friend, and ended up having an enemy. LOL. The most ridiculous thing I've ever done, is to cry over that friend. sigh. What a waste of tears.

8. Needing to go for some stupid Tuberculin Test, due to randomly someone having positive TB test... A pain. Why does it have to be now? Of all time. When my days are finished mostly around 6pm.. It's just ridiculous.

9. Being so luckythat I actually have backstabbers as friends. hahah. They teach me to be thick skinned, and...superficial. Which does not work. Ending up me taking comfort in the busy hectic life instead.

10. Doing Anesthesia for my SSC!!! ICU is the most depressing place, the cases are way too complicated, and it's the most mundane job ever! Like....you can't really sleep, but at the same time you can't really run. I swear 80% I won't be doing anesthesia as my specialty. >.<"

-

SSC write ups. and Hospital!!

2010-03-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

Starting to slowly read up journals, and trying to figure out how to write the SSC paper. Hai.

But, like the doctor says, I've the cases, it's a matter of putting it into words.

Well...that's the hardest part I think. I'd rather doing some clinical works, and taking history and doing some physical exams then writing a paper. >,<"

And, I am such a lucky person to meet superb people in my rotation, that I ended up hanging around with for almost a month now. 'hanging around' = working my a** off every day . It means, early days are normally 5pm, and normal days are 6-7pm.

I like it so much though. I learnt a lot, and not just in terms of study, but mostly on how hospitals or healthcare really works. Especially in developed country.

What's wasteful, what's routine doesn't mean it's needed. It's a practice of saving your ownself, in case something turns bad.

Someone says, I love working in developing country as the healthcare will only do the tests the patients truly need. Not some routine stuff, that won't even be useful for them.

That makes sense. Why would we waste a lot of money just because it's routine? If it's not useful..Rather adding on works to the health personnels.

Currently, I'm too lazy to write more,

Will do once I'm in my weekends,

Till then.

ciao~

2010-03-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

It's been so long ago I have someone I looked on. Literally.

I find one.

Though your choice of wardrobes are myriad of colours, for someone it's interesting.

Sigh. It's been so long since I felt giddy with excitement actually. haha. It's not as bad as before, but it's there. You're just to irresistable to ignore.

Smart, cheeky, and cute. LOL. Better than before. Oh well.

I got grilled again today, and yesterday. I'm getting used to it, but the worst was with the surgical Reg.. He's tough, and thank God my friend backs me off, and also the others.

A lot to write about, but I am too sleepy and I need to do readings on my SSC topic.. I just found out, the topic is super complicated.. Even the anesthetist I talked to was surprised hearing my topic...

All's well I guess. Can't wait for next weekend. Something I never thought of decided to happen, I have no idea if it'll happen, but I truly wished it will.

- excited, and happy-

Hectic is me..

2010-03-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

God damn it...I've to be in Beaumont tomorrow at 7am.

I hate myself for not taking that stupid chart today at 11. I should just do it, instead I decided not to, and look what happens.

Tomorrow at 7am...What the heck..

Tiring days, one thing I learned in hospital: The thing you estimated to take 5 minutes, ended up taking a full hour. And, it's so hard to find whatever you need when you need it ASAP. And, eat when you have time! Or you'll end up not eating the whole day.

- living a hectic life currently -

2010-03-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Monday's come really early. Which for once, I'm so grateful. Resorting to being busy now to numb whatever it is.

Oh, this song is nice. T-ara have 1 more song, crazy about you or something. That's nice too, but I think, since I'm always going crazy over something, I want to put this song instead.

Rarely got hurt, but it seems like a tradition now. hahah.

Specially signed for me. The delivery of reality.

Writing it down seems wrong, not writing it down sounds like I'm a coward who kept on thinking of not hurting others. In the end, I will put it in nice melody and lyrics.

Like some says, the jokes's on us. All we can do is laugh, and enjoy the performance. Oh, and go repair your wounds afterward.

Take a bow

2010-03-20T15:40:00.001-07:00

APPLAUSE.

THANKS FOR THE SHOW, I REALLY ENJOY IT.

Your saccharine red mouth sucks all the words around
Even in a fight, your lips don't lie
On your red-hot cheeks I burn my fingers
Even if you throw me on the ground, I am the winner
What is wrong with my will, you make my will will-less

You're ice - cold as ice

My hungry heart is passed trough by a bittersweet sorrow
Tell me how far, how far, how far, how far you want to go
My hungry heart is passed trough by a bittersweet sword
Tell me how far, how far, how far, how far will you go

Your eyes see through me to someone else
If your hands touch me, they pursue a plan
With your rough angels tongue you intrude to me
You hold me tight what's all this good for, if I push back, you let me go

-My heart is not what it used to be, my trust is not what it started out. Life really is teaching me a bitter lesson-

Life is getting interesting¬

2010-03-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

First of all..I accidentally left my OCHM on the bus, T____________T

Secondly, I'm constantly smelling of hospital now, accurately, the wards.

Thirdly, I'm so tired. Like, dead tired. Yesterday's was a bit busy. Running around for files, and taking care of a DKA patient while he waits for his bed in ICU. Finished with files and all at around 7.30pm, and head home..

Fourth, I just love my busy life now. Tired all the time, but...it's getting interesting. I've getting to know many interesting individuals, and different ones.The cute ones, the so drop-dead gorgeous and weirdly funny ones, the interesting ones...and others as well.

Fifth..I started to realise that I don't really like anesthesia.. It's interesting, but it's kinda like...the same thing everyday. The same thing happens, it's predictable.. I need adrenaline charge..And predictable things are not those.

Sixth... I'm feeling good. Some bad things happens, not to me, but to my friend. Let's not go into details.. Her situation makes me wonder, why do people keep on prodding on other's private business? Even those involved in shameful and sinful acts do not completely forgo their right to privacy, according to the Prophet, who commanded that Muslims not dishonor their brothers and sisters who had been secretly involved in disgraceful acts by revealing their secrets. The Prophet said that a believer should provide a cover (sitr) for another believer who fell in the disgrace of sin.

I'm not so well-versed, but I do believe in respecting other's privacy. I would not like my life being pried by others, even if that others are my friends. If I don't tell what I'm doing, there's a reason behind it. Be it for the right or wrong reason.

So, yea... life is getting more interesting. To everyone, I advised you to live your life fully. Use your time maximally, and totally used your energy. Don't create troubles for others, don't hurt others. That's all. Personally, I'm too occupied with my works/rotation/SSCs/societies/friends that I don't have the energy to think about what the others are doing.

- the previous post was a bit too harsh that I decided to put it in draft. But, I'm not taking back what I've stated in my previous post. Sometimes truth is hard to swallow, but medicine ain't sweet all the time -

Sweet disposition~

2010-03-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sweet disposition

Never too soon

Oh, reckless abandon

Like no one's watching you

A moment

A love

A dream

Aloud

A kiss

A cry

Our rights

Our wrongs

A moment a love

A dream

Aloud

A moment a love

A dream

Aloud

So stay there

'Cause I'll be coming over

And while our blood's still young

It's so young, it runs

And won't stop til it's over

Won't stop to surrender

Songs of desperation

I played them for you

A moment

A love

A dream

Aloud

A kiss

A cry

Our rights

Our wrongs

A moment a love

A dream

Aloud

A moment a love

A dream

Aloud

So stay there

'Cause I'll be coming over

And while our blood's still young

It's so young, it runs

And won't stop til it's over

Won't stop to surrender

This is not a maniac~

2010-03-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

Lately, there are some weirdos, I repeat WEIRDOS who dropped comments on how to buy Xanax, or valium through online pharmacy. Well...WEIRDOS, stop it. I'm not interested in taking any of those. And I won't publish your comments, so might as well go somewhere else and leave this little blog alone.

Hai... Oh today's St Patrick Day. I know nothing what's this all about, except that, there's parade going on, and people will get drunk by midday. And all shops close. I like it coz it's a reason for holiday! hahha.

I'm in my second week SSC, and I have no idea how to write my paper. I have the cases, though not all..but I'm so CLUELESS on how to write one. T_T. Though I like my SSC, but the writing part is an absolute pain. I can't bring myself to sit down and typed my paper. I can rant on this though. hahaha.

Being in the wards calling myself a 3rd year med, make me realised something:

1. I really really really have no interest in surgery. I know how I says I love my surgical team and all.. But, I like everything they do, except when it came to theatre time...I'll just go away and do something else.

And, the thing I enjoyed the most is talking to patients. That's one thing I like. In term of what a medical should do la.. Kalau outside the spectrum of medical student specs, I like so much things I shouldn't like. LOL.

Let just keep it at a minimal level. For now, I've to write my paper!! Argh. Anyone have any ideas on how I should start..BOOOO.

Oh, my tickets back to M'sia that costs me 716eur is already confirmed. I'll be back! Though not for lazying around anymore.. I've electives lined up and..some community works as well. I'm put off USMLE for now. Since it needs 2.5 months of solid studying, and I can't slot in that in my summer just yet..And the fact that I'm broke for now. hahahahaha.

2010-03-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

Lists of things I do today:

- Went out early, and hit the AMC ward to get a neuro history..And I realised, I sucked at taking neuro hx..I forgot almost 50% of the associated symptoms.. Sigh..

- Hit the anesthetist tutorial in the theatre. Got to put in a tube in the neuro patient's mouth. Not too bad. The professor of anesthetist is seriously one of the best prof... He's nice, and he teach. The only thing is..he's so busy.

- Hating surgery. Went out after my professor went to another theatre..

- Hanging around with H, and waiting for Nick to arrive. We went to take bloods for Zaf, and ordered them, and doing the random sticker's chasings.. If any of you wants to know how stupid and busy an intern's life is..Come with me for a day and help around the surgical team. You'll know by the end of the daay...

- Helping Zaf filling out flowsheets. For I can't remember how many patients, and for 3-4 days.

- Stayed for surgical ward rounds. Met my SpR, and SHO. I've missed them! They're just too familiar with me, that I have a hard time trying to adjust myself to a team that does not really see me there.. What else can make my day when the SHO asks me; So, when are you going to come back to us for real? Seriously, you and your mate are the best batch that ever came under us.

Even though all we do is take bloods, filling out flow sheets, doing ward rounds, be the chaperone... In the end, when my hardwork is appreciated like that, I can't help but smile and felt so happy. Seriously.

I don't mind hardworks, long hours..As long as there's supports,and good teamwork. And appreciations along the way helps a lot in keeping people motivated.

Tomorrow's holiday, so..plan for the day is to sleep in. And meeting in the evening.. Might go eat out if possible..

Randomly random

2010-03-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

How do u know if that person's suitable for short term? Or long term? For fun, or forever? For better or for worse? Hurrmm, hurrrmm.

In the light of the summer, my brother will be unavailable, and I cheekily ask if I can follow his footstep and get engaged. And he says this: Jangan nak mengada-ngada. Habiskan belajar, and then go and find your prince charming.

Hahaha, my ever protective brother. I can't do anything, and I'm supposed to be proper, and not do anything weird, he can do all the law breaking, the daredevils stunts, all those naughty things in life. Me on the other hand, is the total opposite.

Haii.. But truthfully, marriage...it's something I think everyone or most people will undergo sooner or later..But maybe a bit later for me.. haha, but I am entitled to change my mind, since I'm a woman. (Some consultant says: Women are entitled to change their minds, but not men)

Why later?
Commitments, and responsibilities. And, it's not all fun and sun and beaches. There'll be some thunderstorms, rain, and winds as well. Oh, and the possibilities of having kids...That's some scary huge responsibilities. To live with a stranger is something. To raise a human being, to be a good Muslim, when I'm full of imperfections, that's a totally different thing. Phew. I'm breaking to cold sweats just thinking about it. >.<"

Nonetheless, if my beloved brother is ready for all that, I am more than happy with his decision.

p/s - I talked to my mom: Mama, find me someone who's cute, charming, intelligent, tall, all the things I find attractive in 3 guys I've met so far, and mushed them into 1 please. My mom: Are you out of your mind?? I don't think you can ever find one laa. Me: Well, just make du'aa that I get the 3 in 1 dream guy then, :p

2010-03-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

2nd week SSC. hurrmm, not too bad. Though I don't really know what to write..I should at least read up the anesthesia book I borrowed..I read the first few pages, out of external motivation haha. But, then...I got bored. LOL.

Hopefully tomorrow will be nice. And so on to the next week. 1 Week at a time. Seems fair enough.

p.s. - I do not know it's the weather, or the friends I'm hanging out at the moment, that makes me feel a bit more happy. Or is it the constantly going everywhere, preventing me from being bored? Hurm..maybe maybe.

Oh, soft shell blue crab is superb!! I want to eat more of it, if only it's bigger. haha.

Post International Career Day.

2010-03-13T12:05:00.000-08:00

Post International Career Day: What the heck have I got myself into... Practically, I've signed my life away when I signed my medical scholarship on 2007..

Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Most people around me will say: You'll be a workaholic, and you'll be doing just fine having no social life outside hospital..You'll just make one in the hospital. Kinda like grey's. LOL.

I dunno how that holds. But, to hear so much things to anticipate, to be prepared for, and all these nonsense nonsensical political moves made be governments all over the world, it's just making life more miserable. I can't see the sensible thing of considering EEA medical graduates over Irish Medical School Graduates. I mean, it's far more sensible to take a medical intern fresh from RCSI who's non-EEA, who is far more experienced in Irish healthcare system (since we've been in the hospital and all) than an EEA graduates, who doesn't have a clue what's Irish healthcare all about.

Sigh. Life's isn't fair, but I expected some fairplay in the end. But, it seems..like the other way round. Oh well, I guess just suck it up and hope to make something good out of it.

And, to add to the misery, I can't live doing nothing. Sigh, so I practically will have a busy life to make myself happy, which is so..retarded.. arghhh. why am I like this all the time??

p.s. - I'm happy that I've admissions to do on Monday and Tuesday. Which means I've to stay back in Beaumont quite late. LOL. I know I'm crazy. Sigh.

Attachment

2010-03-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm getting too attached with something indefinite. haha. I should just stay in the anesthesia dept, but I'm all over hospital doing things under my surgical team. LOL. I'm bored, and so I filled my time. Going to familiar place, and have a more fun time.

Sigh. I just adore them. Such a state, that I'm so bored, I can missed my surgical time. LOL. On another note, probably I'm just crazy. Or, it's just that, the team really really give me attention, and provided me with loads of exposure to patients. The proper exposure, not the complicated history..

I might just do the same thing again tomorrow.

Oh, maybe it's because I'm crushing with a rabbit. This particular rabbit really know how to make another person happy. Even the smses are supernice. Like...really sweet and all. I know rabbit isn't good. But, at the same time, I've never had so much joy since last semester. Rabbit do makes me smile, and grin like some awe-struck highschool girl, :p. Hai, if only I live in the fantasy. I might just ask rabbit out. hahahaha. *wat a dream*

p.s. - 2 interns have told me to get out of the system asap. And, I'll just frame my first ECG. :p

What did she say.

2010-03-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Lama tak buat entry malay. No reasons for it. Just don't feel like it. Hurrmm, hari ni...what's there to say?

She's getting weirder. Don't try to correct whatever you have already done. It just won't work. Easier to say something, then taking it back. Easiest way is just to apologize. Full stop. Tak payah nak berbasa basi on how u really care about me, and don't want me to lose anymore friends or etc.

Newsflash, I don't really care anymore. I'm burnt out thinking about these stuffs. I'd rather burn midnight oil and have a hectic schedule in my life than thinking, pondering about these things. Saya dah tak kisah. I don't even care anymore.

Like what I've seen, as long as I don't convey what I truly feel, nothing bad will happen. So, I'll just let you live in that bubble of yours. I won't pop it.. no worries. You're afraid of hurting me and all...Well, The damage has been done, I don't think you can do more damage then last week.

Clever way to destroy my trust, and my respect to you. You're too easy to manipulate, to let you believe what's what. And you still think you're the brightest on Earth. LOL. Egoistical maniac and childish one at that.

2010-03-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

If any of u realised it, my blog's getting more...medical. hahah. I dunno what happen. My life is invaded by medical thingie nowadays. Even though everyone says SSCs are chilled, mine aren't so. Or I guess it's more relaxed than my surgical rotation, but I can't really compare apples to oranges. Obviously my surgical rotation will win without a doubt being busiest..

Basically, anesthesia SSC.. my day starts at 8.30am, or if I'm lucky, at 8am.. Ward rounds, bedside teaching with the professor!!, conferences (utterly confused..and bewildered), and reading patient's chart and trying to read the scrawling marks that can only be done by DOCTOORRSSS. I swear by the end of my SSC I'll be a good handwritten reader. hahah. And, I have make myself a promise: IMPROVE MY HANDWRITING. So, that if I'm practicing, I'll not give headache to anyone who's trying to get information about the patient.

And, I've bought my ticket for m'sia already. Yeay. Though I'm broke now. sobss. Why do flight tickets are sooo expensive. sigh.

What else..Oh, one thing about anesthesia dept. They practically run the whole Critical Care Unit, and also deals with pain management, and prepping patients for surgery. I can say, they are really the underdog of medicine. Like, many people think Anesthesia is all about sitting in the surgery watching the patient being cut open by the surgeons. But actually, they have one unit for themselves..A little world that's so different from other wards.

Okay, enough rambling about anesthesia.. Got to read up stuff for tomorrow. Sigh. Who says SSCs is holiday??? >.<"

SSCs

2010-03-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

First day SSC. Anesthesia dept seems promising and interesting. A lot needed to be learned. And..all patients are intubated, that's disturbing. I saw a patient that was well post-op a week ago, and now he's intubated and on multi system organ failure.

And some patient with overdosed history, apparently this time wasn't so lucky, and got admitted to the ICU with chronic liver failure..Another IVDU patient with cross cavitation of the lung from septic emboli that are thrown off from the endocarditis. Of which, is affected by MRSA due to his injection drug site got affected with MRSA, and ending up having blood septicemia. Now, he's having a palpable murmur. Which is bad.

And a patient with acute pancreatitis, and ending up having multi system organ failure.

Overall, these all are so different from the surgical patients I saw. They're hanging there by a thread. Only some slight error or misfortune, and they are finished.

Scary, and depressing. But interesting from a medical point of view.

Currently keeping myself deeply occupied with SSCs, works, studies, social life outside my house, and developing new things to do when I'm free so that I won't have to think about the sheer stupidity of what has happened last week.

2010-03-06T03:50:00.001-08:00

Can I just go home? I'm to tired to think. I just need someone here to be my ear, and who I can truly trust. I'm tired of bottling everything now. It's been 2 months already. And I haven't found any ears yet.. I might just have to take it all in...since no one really understands. I missed those who left me for PMC..

Post Surgical Rotation

2010-03-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

- If anyone asked: What's the most exhausting rotation for IC3..I would say Surgery in Beaumont, under Hill's team. It wasn't so bad though. I'm getting used to the exhaustion after 3-4 days. But, apparently, TODAY on the last day of rotation, my friend made a very amusing remark: Eleena, you looked smashed. Go to sleep.

Hahahah, I never thought I'll have that tired look!! I felt dead tired, but I always thought no one can see that. It seems that this particularly rotation is really taxing. Taking all my energy! haha.

I had loads of fun in rotation. Though I practically ran most days in the wards, it's fun. The team's superb. The interns were one of the best perks. The nicest I've ever met. The surgeons in that team are also great. They're not those eccentric weird cocky surgeons. Rather, pompous maybe..but a really nice dedicated surgeons! Cute too, :p (Mark's eye is just gorgeous, and Sheikh's jokes are just...plain hilarious)

Even the final meds are nice! What a relief. Phew.

Post surgical rotation, I felt:
- Tired
- Happy
- A bit sad, since I won't have anymore good time after that.

I've met so many people. Of whom reminded me again and again the reasons why I want to practice as a doctor. Not really for the money or fame. It's that thrill I got when I'm on the go. The fact that I worked and not just sitting down doing the same thing all day long (I'll die of boredom.. ).

Now I see how big the power of a doctor. Patient put their trust on us, to make them better. It's like..god-like power on human.

*Oh, and I realised that the more nervous I am, the stupider my answer became! And, the more fidgety my hands become...*

2010-03-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

Life's getting funnier. Some news make my jaw dropped. And, life still moves on. More things to do, and by time it all fades away as a distant memory. Just like the footprint left in the middle of a snowing day... The remnants are nowhere to be seen.

I get it now, what it means as a loner. Friends with everyone, but no one really knows who you are. Not because you don't want to share that, it's because, you know they won't readily accept that part of you who's a bit wild on the side.

Kept it bottled and seen only by a couple of close friends.

Sigh. Life's getting more complicated, and sometimes I don't have a clue what I truly feel.

Another week of Surgery

2010-02-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I'll be waking up at 5am, getting ready to go out and catch the ever faithful 15a bus to Eden's Quay.

Grab some hot coffee before I go and wait for the 20b bus to Beaumont. Trying to amuse myself with songs in my iPod. And probably trying to sms someone who's already up in d morning, though I highly doubt that.

Then, head off to put my stuff in student area, and starts my day.

Finished off in the evening, 6 or 7pm, depending on d days.

I could not wait for another more week. Where I don't have to go out of my bed at 5am. And certainly not out of my house by 5.30am...

But, there are little things that make my surgery rotation more bearable. The perks. Some gorgeous cutie in my team. Nice to look at. At least they are good looking. LOL. And, someone buying me coffee, each morning while we wait for the bus. And, occasional cupcakes by my team mate. Regarding what I learn, a LOT. All's good. Not a bad rotation after all.

-off my blog till next week.-

2010-02-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

Love can turn to hatred. Affection can turn to annoyance.

Stage 1: Infatuation
Stage 2: Crush
Stage 3: Love
Stage 4: Indifferences
Stage 5: Annoyance
Stage 6: Hatred

And now I'm going to stage 5. I don't give a damn anymore. I don't care if your signals mean something. I'm starting to feel sick of this never ending game. It just wouldn't stop. At least I won't see you anymore.

Sometimes a heart breaks for the slightest thing. Tonight, something tells me I'll have to let you go. Before it turns to hatred. So, goodbye...it's been fun. I still care for you enough to not turn it to hatred..

Weekends

2010-02-27T03:08:00.000-08:00

Weekends are bliss. What's the plan?
-sleep in
-Doing nothing.
-Probably read a good book..
-Might just do nothing in the end.

Surgery Rotation.

2010-02-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

"This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. "-

GB Shaw

Beautifully said. When I'm put in a situation where my life revolves in a cycle of 7am to 7pm each day, in which, I have to go out from house at 5.30am, to catch the bus to go to Beaumont. And I'll be reaching home at 7pm, though if I'm lucky, like today, I gotta be home at 5.30pm.

I could understand now, when people says they got the adrenaline rush with challenges. Surgery rotation, under Hills team, is SUPERB. What more can I say. They sucks the energy out of you, but they give you something back. The learning and experiences are fantastic. I took blood (IC3 students taking blood) cool. And, wrote my first ever formal medical notes.

The sweetest thing, the fact that my group including everyone from the Reg, to the sub-interns are just nice, dedicated and smart people.

I could see me doing surgery though. The different environments everyday are interesting. Clinics, ward rounds, OTs, conferences, MDT, I can see myself doing it. But, it's too soon to say. But, I can definitely say, I'm not into the sitting on the table and call the patients in kinda setting.. The biggest reason I'm choosing medicine when I'm in school is the fact that I don't have to sit in a cubicle and do same repetitive things everyday.. Certainly as the saying above: I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love.

Cranky

2010-02-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

Headache 4/10
Back pain of 3/10
Stomach pain of 2/10
Cranky mood 10/10

I wonder can those transvetites get what real women have?

Random thoughts..

2010-02-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

Week in Bons is finished. No more going there. Yeay. Bons isn't that bad, but it's too boring. There are too much endoscopy (mostly colonoscopy and OGD) and surgeries. Of which can't pique my interests..How people can specialized in surgery, I've no idea.

The long hours put during and after the training..for me is not worth the pay or the satisfaction.. But, it's just me being me. I do need to find a way to at least like surgery a bit, so that I won't feel so crappy when I have to go for surgery rotations!!! I don't feel that excitement when I need to scrub in..I hate scrubbing in. The scrub's looks cool. But, the process is soooo tedious, I'd rather watch the surgery from a big screen while eating popcorn. and wearing my proper attire. ><"

This past week, had been quite hectic. With the laptop being cranky, causing such chaos to me. Thankfully it is restored, and I'm happily using my old faithful HP. Though it always crashed on me. Three times to be exact.;" And I managed to crash my friend's laptop the first day I used it..Maybe I'm jinxed that day. haha.
But truly, yesterday I felt like I can explode. I'm in such frustration. But all's good now. hai~

I managed to thoroughly tidy my room, and do my laundry!! And that includes, washing my pink backpack (lost it colour due to the...hurm dirt) lol. It looks pink!! omoomoo. Maybe being a full housewife isn't such a bad idea. I could take care of my family, and have fun with all the cleaning. And there's no need to scrub in and face the weird surgeons all day long.

-ps: Supposedly every bad day is accompanied by better ones. I'm waiting for the better one now, :p

Whirlwind 2

2010-02-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

Supposedly today was my day off classes. LOL, more like I made one myself. But, waking up, my laptop crashed and had to be sent to the IT dept.

Comes the frantic search of a laptop that can be used to upload my case. Thanks to Allah, there are few friends who helps me a lot. Jazakallahu khair. I can't thank you enough.

Then, got to know, the result of IC2 has come out. Ah, the ultimate whirlwind. I'm grateful that I passed all papers, alhamdulillah. But, truthfully, I'm really disappointed with what I've achieved. None surpassed what I got last semester.

Got home and trying to connect the laptop to the home network, to no avail. Ending up using some good samaritan's internet connection.. Thank you.

- When I'm waiting for my friend to have lunch together, someone caught my attention. He's talking about what music I'm listening to. That makes me smile inside. No one ever talked to me about my habits, especially that one. Maybe it's not a significant bad habit. But, I'll try to minimize the amount of music that I listen to. It's one of the reason for staining the heart.

Whirlwind

2010-02-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

Someone told me her decision today to go back to M'sia. Seriously I don't know how to react.

I'm at a loss. For whatever reason, I'm lost.

Just say it again.

Wait..I don't want to know. Can everyone just stop now. I'm barely getting over my friends going back to PMC. And suddenly another bomb dropped. I'm not made of steel..

Just stop. I'm too tired to think straight. And no, I'm not okay. I'm not...

A true story: The Gunner of Med school.

2010-02-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

“Gunner” was the term for the medical student who sat in the front row and never missed a class. They used at least three different colors of ink to take notes, and their text books had more highlighting than text. They lived in the library going over their notes time and again. These were the students who would ask question to make themselves look good.

I copy pasted this from here.

I am unlucky, since I'm stucked with the gunner for my rotation. I totally hate him. Not because he's smarter or anything. I'm okay with that. Heck, I respected one of my classmate, who's so good with clinical stuff and even facts from books, and he's not a gunner.

This person makes me felt like it's okay to have him gone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wished that he got deported/hit by a bus/jailed to just not have him in my face everyday during class. God, he's the most irritating person you can ever met.

He kept on talking about stuff he memorized from all the books he read, and stuck up for whatever reason. He never shares what he knows, and he just kept most information to himself. Hello, we're supposed to work as a team. Not individualist.

I just wish that he can just get lost. Pleaaseee. Someone take him away from my rotation group. Each time I sit near him listening to him, makes my blood boils with irritation.

I wanted to post his pic here, but decided not to. Since he's not even cute, or good looking or even acceptable. Not gonna smear my blog with that pic..

The other day, he was super duper late, and another time he missed a bus stop. I could not helped but felt... like a kid who got her lollipop. True, I'm evil..But I can't help it. If you are in my shoes, what would you do?

Touching?

2010-02-10T14:28:00.000-08:00

Touching between man and woman. Ah, a topic that's quite popular in Malaysia, and to most of us who practice Islam. Just stumbled upon a blog, asking what's our opinion as a Muslim reader.

Long agooo, before I started medicine, touching a non-muhrim is a big NO. I never do it, not even for shaking hands. My family is quite strict on that. But, when I'm here, especially doing medicine, it's hard to not touch a male. I mean, we had practicals, on patients, and on fellow classmates as well. How do you want to palpate a patient if you don't touch him??

To talk about hukum2, I'm not the person. To me, if you can avoid touching a male, of all things do it. Tak payah la nak bertepuk tampar, bersalaman and all..just to show how social we are. But, if the situation arise where we have to touch one, then...Just do it. There's not much you can do. For me, the more you think about it, the more you'll have some weird intention. Just pretend that the person's you're touching was a female. Or, it's for the sake of learning.

Another thing, if you have feelings for that person, of all means do try to avoid having to touch him/her. Though it's for learning sake. It's just...won't work that way. I mean, if you like a person, you won't really feel normal to touch him/her. It's normal reaction.

p.s. - I have a quite high limit of tolerance against crap. But, right now..this person have given me twice craps in two straight days. I'm wondering..am I having a bad nightmare? Or is it that person is just too self-absorbed and EGOISTICAL MANIAC to even realised she's a BITCH?

Beaumont for ACS.

2010-02-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

After three days, I'll start my week tomorrow. Going back to Beaumont. Sigh. At least it's familiar.

Lazy. Laaazzyy. My mood is like the Dublin's weather. Hahahaha. Useful weather only to describe what I feel. Though I truly...wished the sun will be there longer. Not like an hour a day. Sigh.

Hopefully tomorrow will be sunny, together with my mood. Yosh. Or I'll have to take PCM?? Some papers said it helps with emotional ache as well. hahaha. might try one later. ;p

Till later, jaaa~

p.s. - Make duaa for RCSI ISOCS to be active and able to serve the community in Ireland especially the students. There are some rough patches at the moment. We need all the duaa we possibly can have, inshallah.

2010-02-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

Penat. Headache. It's a ride, of emotion that is. Last night was happy, with everyone's still around, eating, talks and just chill. Tonight, most of them are in a plane going back to Malaysia. For good. That is.

For once in my life I felt so empty when my friends left. Everything reminds me of them. Even a short walk to Dunnes, reminds me of them. Goodbyes aren't the most difficult. It's the aftermath.

I can't really talk to people right now. I'm too overwhelmed. Especially, when she gave me that cuff links. It's like...I never imagined that. Even typing this makes me cried. Let's just say today is a crying day.

The small gestures you do, others won't really understands, some would say you are too sensitive. But to me, you're just you. I know I'll never find someone who can replace you. I don't really have to talk to make you understand.

Guess I'll have to wait for summer to come. I'll need to calm myself and get a grip.

Currently: everything can make me cry. Sorry if I'm not in talking mood or the normally chirpy me. That me is taking a break.

Weekends..and tae woo again. :p

2010-02-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah. My 2 week rotation in St Marys is finished. I'll have another 3 rotations to go before my spring break! Yesterday right after our OSCE, it was so sunny and the weather's too great to resist. Everyone's in group was all out in the hospital ground just to sit and talk under the sun. Ah, good times. Feels like summer holiday at that time, even though it lasted for 15 minutes only.

Ohhh, I found all the videos for Invicible Youth at last! jkjk. Others watch this variety show for the G7..For me..I want to see my Tae Woo oppa. hikhik.

Just adorable. I know. Some says he's too old (28 isn't old), chubby (he's not fat! he's BIG) and sepet(admit that, but he looks good though with his dimpled smile, :p) . But, he's just too adorable in Invicible Youth. ahhaha.. And I do admit, my taste in everything are so different from others.. Thus, it's normal for me to like a singer like this. LOL. Not all those cuties and pretty boys. :p

This is not chubby..sigh. It's just..he's 6ft 2 and so..looks bigger

AND THIS IS HIM. HE'S SUPER TALL. and..of normal BMI last I checked. He just looks slick and manly in that suit. XD~

Okayh, enough fangirling.>.<"

Ape2 pon...die comel. lol. Oh, someone made my week last thursday. ^_^
Thanks. And..heels do makes me feel tall, pretty, and..at least you don't have to bend over to talk to me. Though I know you don't really mind that.

Most (or is it all?) boys won't understand the reasons of heels. But, well..I know it's just the thing that you have to accept about ladies. There are things that we ourselves can't really explain, but we like it nonetheless. Like..me. Liking someone with a..quite baseless reason. Ah well, emotions do wonders on me. haha.

Aaaa...omomomo.

2010-02-01T16:04:00.001-08:00

Aaaa.. rase cam nk menjerit tgh2 malam ni. MISTER O*** you are soooooooooooooooooooooo nice!!!! aaaaaaaaa.

OKeyh. I dunno what's the reason. But, dang it. Ada ke orang baik camtu wehhhh. OMG. tolonglah wujud seorang lelaki seperti dia dalam hidup ini. Sangat sangat mengkagumi dia.

dang.

Another long week

2010-01-31T15:05:00.000-08:00

Finished my awesome weekend. And now gonna start for another LONG week of rotation. Not that it's boring like lectures, it's SMASHING exhilarating, and I loved it. But it does demand loads of energy. No such things as mundane taking notes of the lecturer talking non-stop anymore.

My previous post was a bit emo? If criticizing is emo, than it is an emo post. I don't know. I had an awesome dinner with my friends, and I enjoyed the chilling out. Even though we're quite an odd group. LOL. Accidentally, while me and Mas were waiting for him in front of Medina, a group of Malay guys was also waiting there. And, when our friend arrived running (he's late 5 mins) I could literally sensed all the eyes looking at us. People, going out with a guy does not imply any romantic notion what so ever. Ever heard the word: FRIEND? sigh.

Kalau nak date, baek gi makan kat wagamama ke...haha.

And, I hate...sesiape yg suke membebel. Shut up. I'm not your daughter. So, stop. Baju tak angkat lagi? Ada menghalang lalu lalang ke? Ada ke any disturbances of any sorts? I don't think so. So, why can't you just chill and lemme do things in my own pace. And, I know they want the best for me but paternalism is not going to work. I'm not a kid. I don't act like one. I would like to be respected as an adult. So stop talking unnecessarily.

Oh, and kepada orang yang suka menunjuk2 kepandaian...save it for the exam. I don't want to know. Please don't make me lose my sanity. Boleh giler dibuatnye.

I sent my friends yesterday to the airport. Hurm, and I'm gonna send another batch next week. I dunno what to feel. Sad? I think. I spent almost every hour with them. What would you expect? Even the thought of them leaving makes me cry. Like what my friend say: If you have the dare to LOVE, you must have the courage to feel LOSS.

This is how I feel right now:

I don’t say goodbye bye, please don’t say goodbye bye.
baby I’m so sorry, I love you I’m so sorry
I don’t say goodbye, please don’t say goodbye.
baby I’m so sorry, I love you I’m so sorry

I loved every one of you. I can be a pain in the a** at time, with non-stop talking. And Narcissist, with gedikness overload. But, I loved each of you, and if given circumstances, I might consider switching to PMC. What's there left in Dublin but sorrowness and emptiness when those I can share my secrets left.

We laughed together, cried together, slept on the same bed. Am I not expecting to be sad? I'm stupid if I thought that way.

I'm not good with goodbyes. I'm afraid of being alone, and I can be sure, I'll miss those moments when I don't have to say anything and you just understand everything.

I know I'll prevent myself from talking about this, with you. For I know I can't hold my tears. I know you read this, so yea. I just wished that we'll stay friends forever.

-Just going to be strong for another half of my journey.-

Irony

2010-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

I found that..it's very irony when:

1. The loudest of fairness and equality talks about how different East Malaysia and West Malaysia. link And I wonder, do he have any neurons left in his already fried brain full with alcohol??? I know how your race (sorry but could not help myself being a racist to you) teach even the youngest of brood to drink. It's a miracle you don't have hepatosteatosis by now.

2. The 'friendliest' seems to only befriending her circle of friends. And berating how others do not understand her. -newsflash: We understand you perfectly, we just choose to not dwell in your miss-paris-hilton stupid mindplay game. It's superbly childish and not worth every moment- Oh, and...you're not that pretty. Just..some random face walking on the earth. So, can you juz chill for godsake??

3. The muslims, of whom trying to strike a conversation by saying: Oh I missed the Friday prayer today, when actually they missed the whole 5 prayers every day of the week. Wait...Don't try to tell me you only do the once a week prayer??? -No wonder you looked at us like some terrorist when we prayed 5 times daily anywhere possible-

4. The patriotics. Of whom, lived in a big bungalow, fully air conditioned, and only seen poverty from the lens of camera, or a bit nearer, from the rear view of their cars. And yet, kept on talking about how important it is to love your country. Come and try to live in the shoes of a lorry driver, of whom the country failed to recognize and appreciate. Come and try to live in the shoes of a patient who needs a heart operation in IJN but couldn't do it due to the hefty prices put by the government. -patriotics are rubbish-

5. The medical profession seems to be alluded by the notion of us being an angel. We work not for money, we work to help people. Well...we aren't angels. We aren't pure volunteers. We need decent work hours, and we need decent pay to have a valid reason to WORK. And last time I checked a dictionary, work does not equate to VOLUNTEERING.

6. The school system in Malaysia..For those who's lucky enough to be a human being with an intellect after school life in public daily school, kudos to you. It seems that, to get a decent education, means...you gotta be in some boarding school / highly privatised school.

7. Malaysia flow of money. Where the heck is all the money gone too?? I mean, our healthcare system is not the first to be used as example (Cuba has a good healthcare, and yet they aren't exactly a first world country). Education? Far from ideal. Transportation? Buses and trains and KTMs are the worst thing ever to be used as main transportation means. Safety and Defense? erm..last time I heard, is all about the lost aircraft engine..Doesn't seem all that reliable..So where the heck is all the tax payer's money??? I'm wondering now.

- I just catch up my facebook friends, and also my emails. And it seems, there are many things that irks me. Why would you want to kept on doing stuff that aggravates a situation, and you don't even help being the solution. Just shut the hell up.-

Rotations

2010-01-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

There's no frequent post due to my super duper busy week of rotation in Elderly Care.

It's fun, and exhausting at the same time.

Till another week, I'll be dormant.

Please make duaa that everything goes smoothly.

Post holiday~

2010-01-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Starting rotation tomorrow. Wow. Time flies when you're busy. (still remember those anatomy classes, sadly can't recall what's what anymore).

Going to be in St Marys Elderly Care. Hopefully I can adapt to this new environment asap.

I just went back from 3 days trip to UK. The craziest shopping moment I've ever done. haha, okay, I'm a shopaholic, but not to the extent of buying 2 handbags at the same time. Quite a good way to bust your savings. LOL. Too bad there's no good trenchcoat with reasonable price. (Ted Baker cost 145quids, and it looks so hot).. Or a Terry Geiger that's just..so nice, yet so pricey. Oh people come on, it ain't that hard to make a decent trench coat!!

I failed to get a decent hospital shoes. But no worries, gonna find it asap.

Loads of stuff needed to be done, and I'm...well as usual, love to laze around. (notes from last exams are still all over the place).

Oh yea, I just love Manchester airport. Dang it. Why can't Dublin airport be nice like that?? I mean, smooth security search, shorter queuing time, and CHEAP stuff. (2 pounds for a bodybutter??)

To those Malaysian guys we met at Old Trafford, one thing. You guys must polished the skills to get girls' numbers. LOL. The way you guys did it... looks and sounds too perverted. And scary. (Who in the right mind will give their number to 8-10 older guys whom they just meet for 5 minutes?) Nonetheless, good try. At least I laughed from the effort. (I'm cranky at that time)

Yeay, I finished exams

2010-01-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

Finished with exams. Truthfully I felt that this is the worst exam I've ever sat in my whole life..I mean, how can we be examined on things that are not in the scope of that subject? *don't start on saying all things are examinable..it is, but that's crap bullshit stuff. we're supposed to be examined on things we learned, not by some random stuff pulled out of a magician's hat* I mean, how can an IC2 paper contained questions from JC3? like, seriously?? Lump in the neck..I know we're not supposed to forget what we learned before, but...for god sake, at least be reasonable in what past semester things you want to ask.

Oh well, the pain of being a medical student in a private college..Is that, they don't really want to help students in passing the exam.. I mean, the resit procedures are a pain, with expensive fees and stuff. Then, the way we have to resit is like...they don't really want us to get through it with good marks (like...other university have viva, and etc for repeats paper..we only have PAPERS. how freakingly great is that?)

And so, the story of RCSI students after each semester exam... Confidence level fall to almost 0.. and most of us have a really hard time. Like..crying yourself to sleep each night. LIKE HOW FREAKING DEPRESSING IT IS?? damn it. And now I wonder, what's so great with being an overseas student, with family faraway, and the only way for you to take a rest from all the responsibility and problems are..practically none. At least, in Malaysia..If you're having a hard time, you can just go home and take a rest. Be your parents' child again. We don't have that luxury. Money yea..lucky us. But, truthfully, I'd say money don't buy you happiness. They are a tool for us to fill our moment of emptiness.

When we felt so empty, and down, and the worst thing: Only you know it, no one else know. Curled up in a ball crying like crazy.. and tomorrow's a brand new day. Plastered on that happy face and kept going. That's life for me. It seems fake, tiring, hollow. But, it's what I have to do now.

Sorry for the really emotional piece. I just felt bad with what I'm going through. Not as bad, maybe I'm just someone who don't really share what my problems are..Thus the crying by yourself and no one knows it. (I hate the feelings of burdening my friends with my problems, cause it sound stupid..but I can't helped being bothered by that...)

By the way, I'm truly is addicted to tae woo shi~~~ lol. Like I said, it's a vent to channel all those loneliness. Maybe it's time for me to settle down, find that someone who will listen and be there when I'm down...*ceh, bajet ade orang mau* wakakaka.

- Life is not simple. Life is not beautiful. Life is full of trials. There are times I wished I can run away. There are times I really wished I can erase. There are times when I want to throw away all my feelings away. There are times when I think it's not worth the trouble. There are people whom I loved, I think is not worth to love..yet I can't stop to love, for my weakness is to love and care. Life is not simple my friend. It's not just a flick, it's...a long dwindled crooky path. And most of the time, you'll be alone. If you choose this road. You're by yourself no matter how hard it is. For life, life is not simple and beautiful.-

Sakit kepala

2010-01-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

Tak terkate..sakit kepale. Rase macam nak balik rumah, masuk peraduan NONA or Gadis Melayu. Seems better than doing medicine rite now. (tak tahu masak pun boleh jadi gadis melayu...LOL). Lepas tu, tunggu anak datuk/datuk/tan sri/ anak raja/ etc. datang masuk meminang. muahahaha. What a life~ (that sucks btw..not gonna be my style. yucks)

Another paper. Praying that all goes smoothly, even this particularly bad one..

He juz...looks adorable. muahaha.

Group rotation

2010-01-16T05:03:00.000-08:00

Erm..can I say this: I kinda hate my group rotation. It depressed me. I am hating it...

First: Of all people in my class, do I need to be stuck with a person I clearly erm...have trouble to even see him talk normally for 1 sem? There are loaddss of other people.. Why him of all people?? Wae wae..

Second: I won't be in d same group with someone. huahhhhhhhhh. T__T tamau. tamauu. tamaauu. I

I don't have the inspiration..Oh man. Really don't like it...

Hopefully it'll be a good group. If not, screw everyone. >.<"

-please don't give me a depressing 1 semester, JC2 is the most depressing, don't let it be like JC2 nitemare all over again-

CN BLUE~~

2010-01-15T05:47:00.000-08:00

Love them. hehe. especially jong hwa. comel~

here's their debut (miss liyana says it is, ;p)

But, I'm still loving taewoo oppa. hahahahah. Personally, he have the best voice eveeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr. those huskiness, and...just brilliant at his work, SINGING. So I got to be brilliant in my work too. STUDYING. muahaha.

I'm a loner, I'm a loner daridiridari du~~

Back to HIV notes. *wondering, maybe I chose the wrong field of expertise, :p*

Halfway of IC2 exam

2010-01-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah finished with my second paper, REGUB. A 12.30 - 5.15pm paper.(almost 5 hours~)

Felt half relieved. At least that paper ain't as bad as the first one.. Can be better though, but no complaining here after the first shtoooppiidd paper. :p

My third paper (CNSLM) will be held next week, on Monday. And then, HTLM on Wednesday..

2 more to go. Should really be pumped with adrenaline, but can't help but felt dead tired. and sleepy.

Nitey~ Tomorrow's gonna be a new day with new notes. Yosh, ganbatte everyone! Make duaa that everything passed smoothly.

p.s. - this song made me smile. Hahah. The lyrics reminds me of my situation. Yea, I guess we are familiar strangers rite...Though I would like to be more than a stranger.

They met quite by accident, but now their fates are tied
Their two destinies seemed caught up in each other
Before they knew it, they had opened their heart
So, even though its a bit strange, after this I won't think you're weird
I won't hate you like that old gap between us
Strangely this weirdness will be normal
It's a bit strange, but nothing I do for you will be annoying

I didn't know that I seemed to be falling for you either
Sometimes I caught just a glimpse of you
We won't ask each other many questions
Though we know nothing about each other

"Where's your house? Where were you born?"
I don't know if it is enough, but already you're coming closer
We may not know anything about each other
I couldn't think of what to say first to you
So I pretended that I didn't even know your name

When our eyes met I wanted to say something
Because I didn't know what to think at that time
I said I wanted to know what makes you cry
I don't even know the name of the person I'm looking at
So what in the world made them click like this?

It's the way you talk
It's the way you walk the way you make me feel
It is everything you do that makes me fall for you
I feel the same as you, your feelings
If you ask me then I'll stay with you often
I don't know you, so why do I keep wanting to be with you?
It may seem strange, but I keep wanting to be with you

Haehujimboda Hapeun Geuriwoom / The Painful Longing Is Worse Than The Break-up

2010-01-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Cheesy song. But, nice melody. and superbly nice voice. (I say aaahh aahhh aahhh) How can u sound so urmm... s..e.x.y. nice???

Marry me pleasseee so that I can listen to your voice all day long. muahaha. >.<"

The lyrics are well.. too cheesy. but I don't care~

Now I feel like I can see everything
How much I loved you
Because you were so close
I didn't see how special it was
What am I to do? I'm too late
You've already gone, now I'm shattered
I thought you were coming, but you'd already left
I'll go crazy if you don't come here
Because I miss you so much
If you go and leave me like this, what should I do?
I'm a fool! Why do I make my decision through your heart?
It is because I love you, I want you
I am with you, that's it
Ah~ Worse than the break-up is the pain of yearning
Ah~ Now these feelings of losing you
It seems like you'll come back, I wandered around looking for you
Everything should've been where you were
We should've met, there's something I had to say
I left you and ruined everything
It was really special, such a dear and noble love
Now it seems like there's no turning back, no meeting again
Because it was so hard up till the end
It seemed like we couldn't go and throw it away
We didn't know a thing!
We had to break-up, we absolutely shouldn't have had to
In the end I found you with difficulty, but now you're not here
We should be together for even just one minute longer
Really we should be together for one more minute
*CHORUS*
Ah~ Worse than the break-up is the pain of longing
Ah~ Now these feelings of losing you
Ah~ Worse than the break-up is the pain of longing
Ah~ Now these feelings, this sadness of losing you
Love that is true, love that comes just once in a lifetime
That love won't be able to satisfy through another love
And that is what you did for me
Things that no one else could do for me
Instead of you in that chair there is a great emptiness
You can make me happy
You are by far more than me
If you're to meet a good person
I'd think more about you than anything else
What in the world is it that I want?
What is is that makes me happy?
Why do I avoid it, it is obviously you!

Screw the exam... booohooo

2010-01-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

I hate my first paper. What more can be said. Refused to make amend with that paper. *GRUMPIER* by the moment.

Now I'm gonna really nailed all the written paper. Dang you first paper. Hattee youuuu. aigoo goo goo.

Oh..I think I'm having a girl crush. 0_O. She's just too cute, and handsomeee at the same time.. Aigoo.

Who cares if she's a female???? ahahah. she's hot. I wish I can pull her look. *dreamy eyed*.. Oh, better yet, I wished she's a male. wakakaka.

See...too cute. >.<
Waaakakaka. My guilty pleasure.. Soft spot for tomboys. LOL. especially if they look like her, or like Go Mi Nam (but she looks a bit girlish though)

What can I say...Just love them. But no worries, not gonna do whatever I'm not supposed to do (if u knoe what I mean, hahah. besides my attraction to the XY genes are bigger than my attraction to these cutie pies~~ ;p)

-inappropriate entry..but my blog, my rules. >.< -

All the Best~

2010-01-10T10:47:00.001-08:00

Esok exam.. woo hoooo.. (trying to put myself in fighting mode, ;p)..

Berpinar2 mate tgk slides...the blue and the pink and the purple..oh man.. No idea what's what. Basically I am trying to memorize the slide instead of recognizing them.. Oh, and all those pictures of patients with all the conditions as well.. bajet patients akan datang exactly with that pictures. :p

All the best to my friends, especially to those who's there for me, to discuss what's what. And to accompany me during this stressful time. Arigaatouu nehh. Especially yg melayan my kegilaan towards tae woo~~ haha. *the 6ft guy with rice eye and that cute dimple and a voice to melt for*

Hurm, that's all for now.. Till later everyone. Make duaa for me and my friends for this one yeah. And also for Dublin's weather to behave like a good boy. hahaha.

p.s. - something occured today, that made me remember something I cherished before. I remembered how I fall for that person whom I cut all contacts now. - you're a sweet guy who act like I'm that cute little kid.- And thanks, I've grown up a lot after that. :)

Eomeonimkke (To My Mother)

2010-01-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

Lyrics and the MV made me cry. This MV might be just another act. But, this depicts some of our reality. I'm lucky to have live a good life with my mother and my family. All the right reason to be thankful.

In the end, what's important is to cherish your loved ones, your parents especially. Without them, we will not be who we are.

2010-01-06T13:03:00.001-08:00

I'm tired...

That reality just smacked me right into my face. Tired. Make me strong to face this..for these feelings are worse than the feeling of anticipating my exams..

Sometimes reality hurts like hell. Thus I retreat to my dream. For to dream within a dream, is when I can still smile and forget what my problems are.

Life goes on..

2010-01-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Sesaknye otak nieh...gaaa...renal breast thyroid.. gotta release some tension. It's this time of the year I developed the eye of panda. *aarghh* .

Baca2..lupe balik..baca2...lupe balek. aigoo. Please, let me remember what I've read, and make me a good student, and later a good doctor. *pumped up fist*

Oh ye..normal la, during exam time I'll be really over any singer/actor/actress.. As in really really obsessed. *misty eyed and glazed look gooing over his MV* And sengih2 sendiri dengar lagu.

Weirdness. Oh ye. I'm trying to beat my tension by...learning this one dance move!! hahaha. farah's comment about it: PRIAPISM. lol.. Might be true.

It's been 2 days. And, I can say.. kinda okay. haha. wait till I can really master that moves. Ho yea.

And I like this one song. Farewell to the 20s. I know I'm still well *cough* 22. But, this song is so good I can't help but to love it. My li'l bro also loves it (he's 18, so age is not a factor, :p).

Till later..

CIN,EIN,VIN...I'm dead.

2010-01-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

Camane nk ingat sumer bende ngn name2 pelik nieh. OMG.

This is only a peek of obs and gyn, and I've already hating it...gahh. memang tak penah suke...and now...it seems like a very unattractive field. SERIOUS. To those aspiring to be obs and gyn...BEST OF LUCK. for me, better of trying my luck to at least memorize these..

Oh, by the way..macam dah gile rasenye..heard this one song, and look at the meaning. O..o

I cried for that song. Ohkaayhh.
.............
...
..
.

Saya rase...saye telah mengalami kemurungan. hahahah. ke kegilaan?

-dreaming of sunbathing on a beach with a really hunky tall hubby. ngaaa.-

Yea I miss you

2010-01-03T15:24:00.001-08:00

I just remembered, when I was 5 or 6, I heard this one song. And I decided to act it out...lol. It's a really sappy love song, and I acted it under my Granny's house.. Alone of course, cause I know I'll be laughed at.

Oh yea, I like to be the male hero. I'm a tomboy before. Hahaha. Thinking back...what the heck am I doing?? LOL.

And, trying out cigarettes with my accomplice, my big brother. We waited till our uncle finished his smoking, and throw the remaining. We grab that, and well... you guess the rest. And thank God I accidentally inhaled it the wrong way. If not, I might just smoke nowadays. >.<"

And playing around with my friends till late evenings. Climbing the tree, doing barbecue..our way. Which is..totally unhygienic (got diarrhea,vomiting and fever after that session..lol). And making baked sweet potatoes by putting them on fire..

I had fun. I wasn't born, and raised in the city. I saw chickens pooping around, ducks trying to attack you, monkeys, snakes, whatever exists in the little bush near my house. (little, since there's no tiger in it, :p)

Being here, supposedly more comfortable (carpeted house, modern appliances, branded clothings, perfume, etc)..I should be more happy. But, truthfully, I kind of don't really enjoy it as much as back then. Maybe now I'm a young adult who have responsibility.. Or, maybe it's the surrounding.

Whatever it is... Got to make do with this. Sometimes to decipher codes from people around are very difficult. Especially during this time. I hate the tension. Those things that I don't really like in my friends, when it comes to these time...Becomes much worse. And, it annoys me to the maximum.

The way I want to do: Just get back at that person. But, that's fuel to a fire. So, I decided to be the water. BUT IT SUCKS. I hate being the side who kept on giving in. Why should I gave in all the time..

Manusia pernah ke adil? Lebih lebih lagi bila manusia itu meletakkan diri sendiri sebagai top prioriti. Me included. So, swallow it. And this..this situation leads me to realize, I enjoyed my childhood simply because everyone around me put me first. I'm the focus. I'm their princess.

Thus I missed home dearly. It's not that DUBLIN sucks. It just, my family is too perfect, nothing can compare to them. -miss you all to bits.-

Crap.

2010-01-02T06:01:00.000-08:00

Crap.

Crappiest of the crap.

Don't give me reason to do craps to me, cause there'll be a level, which I'll not tolerate your craps. I don't give a damn if you say it's not you, but it's your hormonal imbalance. Newsflash: Everyone have hormones. But they don't dished out craps to anyone. Or you're studying for the exam. Another newsflash: I'M STUDYING FOR THE EXAM AS WELL. What makes you think you can give me craps?

Sorry is a word that you easily said, till I think it carries little value. Sorry. Whatever.

And, please take a good big mirror and check yourself. Not everything revolves around you. Not everyone is perfect. So stop talking bad things about others cause I don't want to hear it. Not.

Ah. CRAP.

and now I couldn't care less.

SLR...or just plain photoshop?

2010-01-01T04:30:00.001-08:00

Both pics are taken by a camera phone, and edited of course. (would not be that pretty without some touching up)

I do not own any camera..except for a phone with a built in camera. It's a decent 5pixel nokia. Not really a camera for avid photographer. But, make do for it. Since SLR cost me an arm and a leg.. and I don't like digital camera that much, as the features aren't that tempting.

But, now thinking..Maybe I should just grab one decent digital camera and the pics I like..just photoshop it. :p The cheapskate way of having a good pics without busting my pockets.

Any ideas peeps?

2010

2009-12-31T13:17:00.000-08:00

In another 3 hours 2010 arrived. Time flies so fast. It's 3rd year medicine already. I can still remember, the awesomeness of 1st year, and the awkwardness of settling in.

The really thick winter coat my family got me from M'sia (Used it once, and never again..It's too thick and heavy..>.<"). That's my 1st winter coat. Then, I went to buy a new one. The red primark coat. LOL. Rase cam, waaa cunnye. Then, my 1st shoe that later will be my...i dunno what number now.

Went on for my first class, and first time to actually had the chance to interact with non malaysian. Dulu rase cam, gempaknye org2 puteh ni, cunnye la diorg. Bile dah dok sini...They are well, normal. Sometimes tak mandi pon, >.<.

Then, went through ups and downs of friendships.

2009, quite a good year, compared to 2008. At least no heart breaking moment. Thankfully.

If 2008 was a year where I lost a friendship, 2009 is a year of bloom. New friends, not necessarily the new person. We just became closer. It's refreshing. I learned what friends truly are. Bukan hanya simpan dalam hati, mengharapkan orang lain faham, tapi KOMUNIKASI.

And, 2009 is...quite a dramatic year. LOL. The time of confession, and truly ups and downs of what shapes me now. Deciding to actually be a bit active in the student's community, and to contribute more (though initially the reason behind it was TOTALLY different..)

A lot of goodness happens this year, alhamdulillah praised be to Him.

What to expect in 2010? * Truly I can't tell, and I can't predict. But, hopefully in this year, I gained more strength, and useful knowledge that can bring me closer to get to that ONE aim. Only that.

- Exam's in another...11-12 days. Pray that me, and my fellow friends, who's having exams around this time get to pass our exam with flying colours. Ameen.

Going gagagugugigi over you!!!

2009-12-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't been crazy about any singers for so long. Last time was...can't really remember. But, here's one singer that drives me CRAZYYYY. XD~~~ *drool* just hearing his husky voice.. the way he sounds..just.. I dunno how to describe it. ahaha. Salahkan miss liyana for introducing him to me.. ja naa.

This is his top song, LOVE RAIN,

and his other songs.. Just nice. Ngaaaa. How can someone have the really nice voice???? Aigoo. Particularly like the cover version he did for Gee SNSD, (Super uber duper sexayyyyy. miaow2~)

And this one, putting Sorry sorry to his own beat, and voice!!! >.<

-Me going crazy after reading too much hematological disorder, and all the...whatever thingie inside all the notes-

Emosi tu..

2009-12-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hurmmm. Long thinking.

Terfikir kejap. From observation, and my own experiences. Bile kite marah, upset, sedih, dan segala yg seangkatan dengannye, we tend to do the most inappropriate things. Contohnye, gi makan dengan sangat banyaknye, walaupon akan mengakibatkan kegemokan melampau..ataupon gi tulis entry yang menggunakan kata2 kurang sedap membuatkan para pembaca tertanye2. Ataupon, pergi bershopping bagaikan grafton street tu aku yang punye. Padahal...duet dalam account hanyelah...habuk dan debu. akaka. Ataupon, tdo masok duvet sampai pening2 lalat sebab banyak sangat tdo. Ataupon..macam2 la kan.

Makanye, di waktu kite semua overly sensitive, and I understand the reasons. Since I'm in the same boat as well. Mari kite cari care2 untuk mengurangkan collateral damage di waktu kite rasa macam nk jadi Godzilla dan memusnahkan dunia. wakakaka.

1. Kalau rasa marah, dan emo2 kepada seseorang, sila sorok diri anda dari dia. Jangan teros gi jumpe. Sebab time tu fikiran kita shrouded by shaytan's whisper. *gi la jerit kat die, lempang die, melampau sangat, and all sorts of other things*

2. Kalau rase lonely sangat, and takde org bleh membantu (since everyone's offline, or invi, or waktu kat mesia time tu sangat tak seswai utk menelepon rumah), amek la wudhu' and gi semayang 2 rakaat, and doa mintak tenangkan hati nih. Pastu, gi buat keje laen selaen TERPERUK dalam bilik..Gi la tego pakcik2 kedai ke, gi sidai baju, angkat baju, dan seangkatan dgnnye.

3. Kalau rase sedeyh yg teramat tetiber, jangan takot. Anda tak gile. Tu cume mainan perasaan. buahahaha. Maka, adalah perlu pada waktu itu, untuk menghiburkan hati yg lara tanpa sebab yang pasti. Tgk la anime ke..cter best ke..or tdo. Mungkin anda sebenarnye sangat emotionally exhausted, causing this terrible feeling. What I do is, though not all the time..since I forget about it sometimes. bile sedeyh, and rase cam banyak nye masalah, just think about the biggest loss this world ever had which is our beloved Prophet leaving us. And all the sadness and troubles will be smaller. *hopefully*

4. Kalau dah rase penat dan bosan membaca notes yang tak habes2..gi bakar je. hahahaha. just kidding. Go and stretch. Gi kacau hosmet yg laen. And listen to upbeat ceramah. It helps a lot in motivating me.

5. Kalau rase ngantuk...TDO je la. tak bley nk tolong. hehehe.

Sekian buat sekarang. Mari kiter beristiqamah dalam perubahan. sikit2 lame2 jadi bukit. Yosh~

Priorities

2009-12-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah , alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. I'm back from PUISI 09 safe and sound, and hopefully wiser than before. KAIZEN, aka continuous improvement. The need to constant small upgrading of ourselves, aka istiqamah.

And, to see what's my true priorities are. Not a big car, but accompanied with riba'.. Not a big house, that might comes with corruptions. Not a successful doctor, who failed to build a family that knows what ISLAM is.

ISLAM. For you, and for me. To be disseminated. It's our task, it's in our blood. For we'll be asked in front of Allah, this one responsibility.

Tasks I need to do now:

- Studying with all my heart, for my exams is near. (thinking, if an exam in life is worth all nighters, why can't I pull out the same effort for my akheerah? T____T )

- Starting to do 1 rakaah of witr EVERYDAY before I sleep. (For, the most liked nawafil is witr)

- At the very least, memorized 1 surah a month. (For every ayah we memorized, will increase our level in paradise, inshallah)

- Be more proactive in the community (students, friends, family, society, all are important.)

___ O Allah, give me steadfastness, and strength to be an abd for You, to be those who lives for what You like, and to be those who brings forth goodness to mankind. ____

2009-12-22T04:58:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's I'm off to PUISI. (jgn tanye kenape..tapi I dunno why I'm going).

Not yet in the mood of packing anything.

Can I lazed around, rolling under my warm duvet, and just stare at the sky...All day long.

Winter this year is uber-cold. Chill. The tree from my windowpane, looks awfully lonely. The curb drive, frosty with ice. But, beautiful cloud. And at night, longingly gazing the moon, and that lone star.

Studying is going well, inshallah. And hopefully will stay that way till I finished my paper.

Feelings, alhamdulillah it's well under controlled. Though at times I wished I can run away from everyone, (i mean everyone). I know now, why people take such decision to suddenly go to Africa alone. Trying to tend for themselves. By not having any expectation to themselves. Live only for yourself. That's appealing, for a fleeting moment.

Not hating people, just..sometimes the expectations are tiring.

Even to like somebody, is hard work. To like you doesn't mean I want something back. To like you, hurts me more. To like you, is a trick. To be a burden for your feelings, is inevitable.

Frantic day

2009-12-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

I now know, the most precious thing for me is my NOTES!! haha. My handwritten notes. No matter how 'picasso' the writing is, it's sooooo important to me (seconds to my passports and debit card). I accidentally left my notes in TR5 yesterday.

Frantically searching for it in my room. And smsing everyone who might have taken it for safekeeping. I practically went to RCSI today to search it. Sigh..

Had to climb that stairs 3 times. hahaha. at least I got my workout for today. (sweating like crazy @_@)

And...all the malls/markets/Grafton Street are packed with people. *claustrophobics* Shuddering at the very thought of it's a picnic day for pickpockets. With people doing crazy shopping spree despite the recession. *I wonder if it affects the shopping behaviour though*

Thanks to this one particular guard (bearded, possibly of Indian orPakistani origin..apologized for not knowing who you are), who helped me to open the locked TR5. If not for you, I will be deprived of the notes. *sob*

May Allah reward him Jannah for the kindness he have.

For a change.

2009-12-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

Today is the end of my IC2 class. No more going to Beaumont day after day, at least for a month or so. And, in less than a month, I'll be having the IC2 exam.

Truthfully, I'm yet to be ready for it. But, since when I'm totally ready for what's in front of me? When it comes to trial, test, be it for my career, my love life, my friendships, and so on... I know I'm never ready for them.

Truthfully, I'm changing. I know. Maybe there are some things that I used to do, that I'm uncomfortable doing now. There are some things I realised that changed, but it's unspoken.

The air of awkwardness is around. I know it's me who changed, and I sadly wish that we will not change. It hurts my heart, yet I can't do anything to change it. I'm changing, and it's inevitable.

Truth, I cherished every friendships I made, and I care. I cried, and I watched from afar. Unspoken, is easier.

For I'm a human, where ever I turned, I'll end up hurting those surrounding me. Flaws that I tried to erase but to no avail. I want to like everyone, and thus I want everyone to like me. Impossible dream, feasible?

The future in front is full of thorn, I know how tears will flow when those dearest to me left. And thus, I want to shroud it with blackness. I know how my dream will be easily shattered by only one word.

Yet, I'm still hoping, heading forward. For I know, He is with me. I wished I'm stronger.

-I ask of everyone to please make du'aa for me and my friends for this upcoming IC2 exams that everyone will pass with flying colours.

Friends.

2009-12-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

Can't help myself but to state this: Don't go around and talk like you're some kind of counselor, while at the same time making yourself unknown. That's not helping the situation, but making it worse. No need to comment on someone's entry, if you don't have the gut to stand up to your view. We're adults, and well.. respect is on top of the list when it comes to communication.

You can chip in your view, not saying that it's wrong. But, isn't it easier to make yourself known? Enough about that.

The term 'friend' are used too easily nowadays. Everyone we met, we called them as friends. Friends: In Islam, friends are those who criticizes your wrong doing, in front of you without making a fool of yourselves, for the sake of friendship. In private. Not bashing them up in front of others. Not talking about what they do behind their back. Not following wherever they go, and saying yes to everything they do even if it's wrong. Not silencing when you make a big mistake against your religion. They are your friends.

And yes, I choose my friends. I am choosy, and picky. Those who can steer me to the straight path. Those who strive to achieve the real purpose of this life, Jannah. Those who believes in Allah, and working to follow the path.

Mungkin ade yg kate, itu sombong. Kau rasa kau lagi baiklah. Tak nak kawan ngn org laen. Firstly, myself is most important. To befriend those who 'temporarily' doesn't put the deen as the most important thing is dangerous. Buat keje2 lagho ni seronok. Lagi2 kalau ada kawan. And me being weak, do not need extra lure for that, subhanallah. Lagi satu, dalam Islam pun kata: "A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look at whom you befriend."(Abu Dawood and at-Tirmidhee)

So, who am I to not follow this? All I can do is to treat others in a kind manner, and not hanging out with them. I'm not snobbish, nor I think myself as great or righteous. I try to protect whatever small, thin imaan I've and one of the step is to choose who I'm friend with.

Rojak entry. hihi.

2009-12-12T01:01:00.000-08:00

EXAM's CREEPING UP!!!

Aarghh. *why do exam's in this college scared me like crazy????*

My friends from other universities are not as scared. They can study really really last minute and still pass the exam. *that's not what i do meh?*

Whatever it is, exam's makes me cranky and kind of loony and hating people more than I should. Apologized first for everything I do that irks anyone in near future. *promised that this will continue till 20th of Jan, not more than that,>.<"*

My friend will head back to Malaysia for her brother's wedding *so cute!* this monday and I prayed that her journey is smooth and her short holiday is filled with beneficial (fun as well) things. *see the word beneficial?? :p*

By the way, I like good boys. hahahaha. Mind you. Bad boys are..pain in the ***. Some good boys are actually serigala berbulu kambing biri-biri. So they don't really count as good boys, :p. Good boys in this context are those who truly do what they preached and not some half-brainy guy who think they're better than anyone.

Side note, I rarely says no. But when I said it, I mean it. To anyone, I'm not a slave who you can drag wherever you want. I have my time, and I need my space. So stop being so persuasive, and stop feeling bad and cranky when I refused to do whatever you want. Most of the time people don't really want to follow what I want, so I don't really bother following what people wants. *cranky me talks*

Ending this entry with a sweet thing. :)

I listened to an hour lecture on the bus yesterday, Boys and Girls love story and totally agree on 2 points. It takes only seconds for us to click. We have chemistry. Thus the reason for us to stay away from one another. Because the time isn't right. Nevertheless, thanks for making my day yesterday. Another point; Men and women can never be friends (as in they really care and knows personal things about you) without crossing the boundaries of friendship. Never will be. *unless they're gay, which is another story all together*.

We are living in a dream called life

2009-12-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Wake me up from my dream.

It's foolish for me, to never put much thought on to the next eternal life..

Our soul will live for eternity, and this body serves as a vessel for us to survive this test called life. If we succeed this trial, the paradise lies for us, but if we failed...the 7 gates of Hell will be waiting for us.

Makes me succeed in this test Oh Allah. Makes me and my loved ones together in this journey, and succeeds to be handed the book of deeds on our right hands Oh Allah.

Currently, am trying my best to slowly shed my flaws, and increase my knowledge. And, am trying to get my studies and revisions in place. May He grants me and my comrades strength for the upcoming li'l test.

To the readers, just food for thoughts; If we already knew that life is not eternal, and there's a much greater infinite things await us later, why are we still forgetting and not working as hard as we can to gain that?

What I Want to Hear

2009-12-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

It's not a 2 hour lecture of HIV, that totally kills my appetite of wanting to even stay in the lecture hall. God. She drone on and on and on... Can anyone blame the students for going out of the lecture hall after the first part? Seeing that she practically makes the class slept.

Unfair to say that, but if anyone's was in class today, you know what I mean. As a matter of respect to a lecturer, I stayed throughout the whole lectures. Yet, I can't absorb more than I should.

Seems like a waste of time, to be there sitting and listening..but at the same time not really listening.

I don't like the lectures!!! Argh. And tomorrow the same lecturer's gonna give another lecture on Malaria. Okayh..And now I wonder whether I should even bother going.

T_________T

Two is Better than One..

2009-12-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

'Cause maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everythings okay
And finally now, we're leaving

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

Love the song. And I'm really thinking it. Two is definitely better than one. Hontouni! Maybe it's me...

I always wonder..Do you think of me when you closed your eyes? When in the world, there are only me and you...Though that won't happen. Maybe people with foolish romanticism in their heart have too much imagination and love to give. Sigh.

arrogance

2009-12-04T17:08:00.001-08:00

If you're a human, you've no right for even a microgram of arrogance. Subhanallah.

For a soul that have the smallest arrogant will not enter Jannah.

To be blessed with everything (from being here to every small things that He gives) makes it really easy to be arrogant.

To have knowledge about the deen makes us so much at greater risk of arrogant..The riskiest part: We don't realise it since we are getting used to being arrogant.

Peeps around me talks about guy-girl relationship (ikhtilat? I like to say it in english/malay. Since I'm a NOOB in arabic) and how to take care of that. Kudos on that. I appreciate the efforts.

But we forgot to address this. How many people talked about it? So far, not many. Arrogance, is when we can't accept others' criticisms on our way of doing things. (like some who's so stubborn on the way of doing things, that they want their ways or the highways)

When we treat others like they're those of inequal to us when they asked us about something they do not know. (and killed their interest in asking more stuff from us)

When we demand respects more than what we deserved.

For arrogance are not the acceptable act on human. We have no right to be arrogant, and for what reason we have to be arrogant? Every single things we have are from Him. Our knowledge, our ability to think fast, to do medicine, to be pretty, to be of high status in any society, to have respects from others.. All come from Him.

We as slaves have no right for arrogance. For when a human have the slightest arrogance, we are lying and hypocrites.

May Allah protects me, my family, my friends and the mu'min from this action inshallah.

p.s. - hati ini panas, bila orang2 bodoh sombong wujud dan menjadi ketua. Bodoh tak apa, jangan la nak menyombong. Sudah2 la jadi jaguh kampung. Tak cukup lagikah dunia KMB menjadi gelanggang kampung anda? Tingkatkan soft skills, mantapkan iman, bukan hanya pada luaran, tapi dalaman juga. Mungkin kasar kedengaran, tapi maafkan diri yang tidak dapat menerima jagohan2 kampung ini lagi.

Can I stop the time, For now?

2009-12-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

Mata bertentang mata,
Sepertinya kau juga berkilas,
Membuatku terdiam dan tersenyum,
Baru kusedar, dari mata jatuh ke hati.

Secretly praying for a dream that I've kept for 2 years.

On another note, PMC farewell.

What's there to say?

Mixed emotions, I know...

I won't let what I felt goes out,

Not yet...Just not yet.

Mungkin 14 Februari tahun ini membawa makna baru dalam hidupku. Sebuah persahabatan yang tiada titik noktah, Distance kept us apart, works and life numbs us. But I prayed that our friendship will be as strong as the old oak tree. Even with the thousand miles separating us.

Freedom of speech?

2009-12-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

This was two dialogues, from a French TV shows, concerning the issues of freedom of speech. The red one was the journalist who's a big jerk.

We live in a world where we can criticize and ridicule, You understand, we ridicule anything and everything, The fact that we can do it, is satisfying to me, Because it means, that we have freedoms, (giler ke ape)

We have to be a bit wiser, and not to engage in this sort of provocation,

But if we have to refrain from drawing cartoons of your prophet out of sensitivity to Muslims’ feeling, then it becomes a form of self – censorship.

For me, freedom of expression and respecting others go hand in hand, I am for freedom of expression, but why exercise it only to hurt another?

Let me, I feel like making a caricature of Mohammed, Jesus or a Rabbi, I should have the right to do it. Do you understand? This is France. (lame excuse, and downright immature)

When you know you are going to insult millions of people, why do it?

It’s about freedom; this is what it’s all about,

Another session of interview, and this time around: A question to a comedian who played as an Orthodox Jew by the same journalist above who wants to draw a caricature of our Prophet, peace be to him.

Don’t you think you should apologized for your actions? You could have said I’m sorry, it wasn’t funny, sorry if I hurt your feelings, it was stupid of me.

It’s part of my job, the comedy I played has to have those few lines.

I can’t understand you. I’m shocked. I find your action inexcusable.

We live in a country where we can freely express ourselves. Why are you against it?

I am going to tell you why you don’t have the right to express yourself freely, because of the Holocaust, that’s why your comedy creates a problem.

But for 400 years we’ve sent millions of Blacks to slavery, and that doesn’t prevent us from making comedy with black characters, we’ve seen Michelle Led’s stand up comedy with an ape dressed, eye glasses, like a black. Nobody stopped or criticized him, he was even hailed as a hero.

For someone who had all his family exterminated at the concentration camp, to see somebody on TV says ISRA-HEIL, do you realize the severity of it? I don’t think you do. There are many instances where we told well known people we can’t have you on the show, it’s no longer possible

(The guy from the first dialogue was one of them)

and this is the continuity of the first dialogue above:

It has to be equal freedom for everybody.

Meaning?

Freedoms for all, a person like Dieudonne who made a couple of Jewish jokes and he’s banished. And he’s a famous comedian. We’ve passed so many anti-semitism law, I think we should pass one against Islamophobia.

Conclusion: They don't really want freedom of speech. What they want is the chance to slander Islam at every space they got. Cartoons, songs, literature, movies, etc. Once the 'freedom of speech' is exercised against Jewish, they got fidgety and tantrums fly everywhere. FREEDOM OF SPEECH? KAU GILAKAH?

Cute song! ^_^

2009-11-29T04:04:00.000-08:00

An arrogant boaster I am not, for who am I to be so?
Why worry about provision, when The Creator is my Provider?
Who am I to worry? When I am but an owned slave
And all affairs are in His hands

I am a slave to a Caretaker with Power, with whom difficulty turns to ease
So if I am but a weak servant, then my Lord has Power over all things
His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, "Be!" - and it is!
And He causes things to start, and bring things back from oblivion
And He Judges amongst His Creation how He Sees fit
And He Does with His Dominion what He Wills
So Glorified and Exalted is The One, Whose Grace is showered upon us all
And to Whom gratitude is due
He generously gives and Provides for us from the Heaven and Earth
And He still conceals my wrongs, Exalted is The All Wise, All Knowing
And I have no volition nor power except with the permission of the High and Almighty

Oh my heart, trust in God, for He is the Giver and the Withholder
And be content with what God has ordained, for to Him you will surely return
Knowledge is with God, and good is in what has come to be
Oh my heart, rise and rest, for the troubles of this world surely will not last
Look, observe and comprehend, that which is ordained will come to be
In submission you will find peace and know that what will be will be
And he who makes strong his heart, will find in this world serenity

Manusia bermacam ragam

2009-11-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

Rimas dengan perangai orang. Bila kita mula berubah, ke arah kebaikan and peeps around you seems to not understand.

They are not even friends. As in, I can't rely on them for mental support, or any support, if I'm in need. Hanya bila ada makan2, someone's birthday, then they'll try to get my participation.

First of all, I'm okay with talking to guys. As in, having small talks, and jokes. But, I don't hang around with guys. Maybe I used to hang out with them, but not anymore. I'm more comfortable with girls around.

Secondly, saya tak faham double meaning, dan complexities of minds. I'm a person who doesn't beat around the bush. Saya tidak pandai menyatakan sesuatu dengan cara halus, dan I don't really mind with that inability. I've seen peoples' life being so complicated by being subtle. Tak suka? Say it with the words. Suka? Express it clearly. Makes our life easier.

Third, I won't be someone who like someone secretly. As in, that person will know that I like him. Maybe to others, that seems so...unfeminine. Up to everyone. That's how I live my life. So, don't worry to my XY friends, if you've never heard from my own mouth or sms, or call that I have feelings for you, I'm pretty sure (99.99%) that I am totally not into you. Jangan perasan boleh tak??? Most of d times d reason why I averted some XY eyes are because, I'm uncomfortable with that. Not because I've feelings for you la. >.<"

Fourth; Just stop giving more questions to me, that will need answers. I have enough of it already. I need to dedicate my life to things that matter mosts to me. My deen. My God. My Rasul. My family. My friends. So please...kalau ada masalah lain yang tak concerned with this, just put a lid over it and closed it tight. *simpanla soklan2...pelik kamu tu, especially if you are not my girlfriends.*

Haven't I Always Loved?

2009-11-27T15:10:00.000-08:00

Had a conversation with my little brother few hours ago. It's eid, forgive my melancholic feelings.

I still remember, how I will fight with him everyday. Always wished that I never had a brother. And I realised, how I MISSED that little kid. (almost 6ft..and little? lol)

He's having his SPM. I make duaa that he'll pass everything with flying colours.

Called the house in d morning, didn't have d chance to talk much, rushing to get to RCSI at 8.30 am.. At least I hear my mom on d other side, even though it's just a 5 minute talk.

'takpela, baby tak payah rushing2 nk call. tak call pon tak apa, asalkan mama tahu baby sihat and okey..' (That's my nickname back home among my family members)

that sentence..how much love she have for me? I'm always closed to tears, and my love to her is not as great as her love to me. Only Allah knows.

"mr MOoo MooO tu comel..nak kene korban gak ke????? jum curik bawak balik..?" ..."nak makan ke x? kalu x gigit la die hidup2" And my typical dad, sounded like him, and will always be that way. Miss that. As lame as it sounds...

Missed the warmth. temperature wise and love as well. Tapi sejauh kita terpisah, hati kita tetap satu. Dan, doaku dari bumi dublin inshaAllah menjadi pengikat, penyubur cintaku kepada keluargaku.

Oh, hari ini... saya tersenyum sendiri. Hanya sebab kamu. I know, apa yang ada ini vague..insanely vague. I know. My brain knows. My heart takes her time to get acquainted with that.

Tidak ada apa yang mengikat, tiada sms, tiada kata kata manis, tiada phonecalls, mungkin sebenarnye tiada apa2. But, I still want to. Maybe it's meant to be, or not. Nonetheless, I accept whatever the end might be.

Hanya doa menjadi pengikat hati ini. Dan, mungkin...kamu juga mempunyai doa yang sama?

p.s. - nurse tak pandai amek darah. T___T bruising bagai okeyhh. cam amek warfarin je bruising2 nieh. sigh.

Eid Mubarak!

2009-11-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah, Selamat berhari raya di Dublin. My third time having Eid'ul Adha here. This year is a bit special, I guess because of the realisation of the importance of it. 10 days of zulhijjah was observed as best as I can, and trying to do good deeds as much as I can do (minus my nafs to do wrongdoing subhanallah, T__T)

So, inshaAllah tomorrow will be a good one, and hopefully will bring good memories to my beloved friends who will celebrate their last eid here. Lepas ni, tak ada beraya dalam sejuk. Tak ada dah sembahyang kat Malaysian Hall, or RCSI. Takde dah makan2 kat rumah Haji Fauzi.

Anyway, enough with sappiness. Happy Eid everyone, and may Allah blessed us with His guidance, and let us live as a slave the way He wants us to be, not the way we think it should be. ^_^ Sorry for any wrong words, wrong actions, and others. See you later!

p.s - Just noticed it... I never waited for you. I realised that I fall for the same guy over and over again..

Male biasness society?

2009-11-24T01:04:00.000-08:00

If you're male, and you felt that you'll be 'criticized' and you can't accept it, please do go out of my blog and refrained from reading this okay, I don't want to make anyone angry. Rather this is an observation.

I've realised..I don't think all males are like this. But, there are some of them who act like women are the source of all evils. I read a facebook status of my classmate *lindungilah aku dari fitnah dunia, terutamanya wanita*. Bukan nak menyatakan status itu salah, memang tepat pun. memang wanita adalah fitnah terbesar di dunia. Tapi, what I want to raise is, kenapa perlu buat status itu di facebook? where everyone can see it, and questions it. If you read it just like that, without prior knowledge, I assume that you'll be thinking, oh god, pompuan ni hampeh, bla3.

Refrained from using controversial topics/status for your facebook. All your networks (non muslims included) can read it, and the risk of misinterpreting it is even greater (bringing to fitnah as well, subhanallah)

Okay, and next one: Alhamdulillah, I've gained tremendous experiences being in ISOC. There's an event last week, organised by the female committee for the female muslims in Dublin. Mashallah, it's a success. In the event, the man for the event will have to be our president. He's willing to help, without us asking, and mashallah he stayed throughout the talk even though he can't join the event. All we need is call him, and he'll be there. He helped with the setup of the events, the ushering of the speaker, the food, and later the cleaning up process. May Allah blessed him with great things.

The question to be raised: Why is there a man, who can work with women, and doesn't feel the need to restrained communication with us? He helps all the committee, and he talks with us, treating us as his equals, not as a source of fitnah, or anything. I've volunteered to many things, but I've never seen this happen before. Normally, the guy will refrain to talk with us, or if they talk, they will suddenly become a soldier. And it's so hard to ask for help, as they have this aura *I don't want to help as much as I can*

Macam..ingat aku nak jatuh hati dengan kau ke??? Kalau jatuh hati pun apa salahnye..berdosakah? I understand, the reason behind that: Menjaga hati. Tapi, I can't see a reason behind it. Apa salahnya jatuh hati? Kita bukannya budak sekolah. We are in our 20s. It's normal. If you suddenly have feelings for that girl, who's working alongside you, and you know from working with her, that she's a good muslimah, and why not, you just approach her, and doing what a man should?? Ke, dah lupa macam mana nak jadi lelaki????

Bukan suruh couple, just berkenalan and jumpa la parents die semua..Kalau tak nak jatuh hati dengan orang sebegitu, awak nak jatuh hati dengan siapa??? dengan perempuan yg awak tak pernah nampak? Yang duduk rumah, baca quran and hadeeth? And tak keluar rumah??? oh come on laa. REALISTIK please. sila cermin diri dulu, baru aim yg mana.

Okeh, maybe I'm a bit biased. *I'm a woman you know* So, please for men, don't act like that. Be like the person who I mentioned. That person, is totally needed in our society. and be one of him. not one of the weird muslims who's trying too hard that you seems so out of it.

Papadom - I know I love you

2009-11-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

Just finished watching Papadom, a Malay movie, about how a father's love makes him do all the things he does. His words: As a dad, it is hard to show that he loves her daughter. Most of the times, words don't come out right, and she hates me for my actions most of the time.

But, to my dad, you don't have to worry. I know, since I'm alive, that you are the one and only man in my life, who gave his life and future for me, and my brothers and sisters.

I missed you.

Your atomic theory (how atom, physics and energy = tauhid of life...is baffling enough),

your knowledge that always surprised me (He was in one of those MSM kind a thing @_@),

your laidback attitude (what got me to be like this, :) )

Your perseverance ( From a Production Manager of a distinguished company to a Lorry Driver just for the sake of his family)

Your cracking jokes...though inappropriate at times. LOL.

Your little things. How you never bother about new clothes, new car, new phones, new perfume, everything that you loved, you sacrificed it. So that you can see us happy, and comfortable.

To others, you might see your dad as someone who don't really understand you..Might be, we should understand them. It's difficult to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. So, when your dad decides to not give permission to go out at night (like my dad do), or to behave like a girl would (like my dad says).. or to remind you not to waste your time with boyfriends (like he told me at each phone calls)...all are done because they loved you. They are the ones who cried silently watching you bid the goodbye at the airport.

I might be the luckiest person on Earth, to have you in my life. And might be, my future husband will be the luckiest person as well. I can just imagine him discussing about all those religions stuff that I'm more than willing to listen and take note, instead of debating it all. So to my future hubby (whomever you are, please get all your knowledge sorted out..since he loves to talk about that a lot, and cars too, :p)

kenape saye tak suke tengok bola sepak.

2009-11-18T15:23:00.001-08:00

Musim bola..blurgh. No offence. But, I cannot comprehend this weirdly weird phenomenon. Kenape saye tak suke tengok bola:

1: EMOSIONAL. people who watch football matches..they are really emotional, and they act like...orang2 emo. And I don't like that.

2: CARUT MENCARUT: Oh yea...all kind of words come out. Sial, Babi, Bodoh, and all those nice words are shouted at the top of their lungs. Disturbing.

3: FANATIC: When people see ball..they went to have an absent seizures, for 90 minutes... OMG, I can't stand it. Thank you.

4: OVERRATED: Footballs are overrated..pemain bola kaya gilaaaa. And, for what reason...hebat menendang bola, mengepass bola, dan berlari di seluruh padang bola bersame2 rakan2 laen, for 90 minutes, and trying to kick the ball to this one goalpost...okay. MENARIKNYE.

I can think of these. But, genuinely..I can't bring myself to like it. My housemates loved footballs, but I don't even care what happen to whomever. LOL. Especially with the loud noises made during the match..oh, I'd rather spend my time watching some movies or series. Or even read my novels, or books.

Sarcastic

2009-11-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

Saya boleh jadi sarcastic..wooops.

Today was quite a busy day. doing my GARDA, and I went back earlier than I should from beaumont. Sampai2 immigration office, the number was 150..60 more to go. Dang it. I waited for half an hour, and decided to head to my college to make my Asar.

Afterwards, I ran to GARDA again, and the number was..180. How convenient. You charged us 150euro for a stupid card that's yearly renewed. On top of that, at the very least, OPEN UP ALL THE COUNTER will you???? And, please buy SLR or at least a digital camera to take pics for the card. *gambar buruk giler*

That 150eur is not worth it, with the amount of time, and the mediocre picture. And the waiting area as well, was s***. *mengamuk*

And then, I went back to RCSI, to do my maghrib. And, during the time I went in with my housemate, this one particular guard was like "show me your ID please"..What??????????????????????
PUNYE LA BANYAK ORANG KELUAR MASUK, KO NAK TGK ID KAD KAMI??? ORANG LAIN TU??

I was so pissed off..And without thinking, I'm being sarcastic as hell. Tengok dia, while my housemate fumbling through her purse to find her card. I just stare at him, and sneer sarcastically.

Here you go, my housemate was being nice and all. I was waiting for him to ask me mine. He looked at me. I was like, oh, do you need to see my ID card as well? Yes, he said.

OF COURSE YOU DO, right?? *that's exactly what I'm saying to him, with the sarcastic tone*

And I practically shove my card under his nose. HERE. THIS IS MY NAME AND MY PICTURE. OKAY?

I don't mind being randomly searched at the airport. But, to be done like that at my own college, is a disgrace. Damn it. I don't care if you say it's for security or whatever. If it is, WHY ARE YOU IGNORING THE OTHER WHO LOOKS WHITE TO YOU? OR NO HIJAB? OR NO BEARDS?

Come on, if you want to be anti whatever, do it out of your work time. I can just write a complaint letter about you, disgracing me and my friends.

SERVES you right. Rase macam nak sepak je.

Quizzing time love~~

2009-11-16T11:37:00.000-08:00

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

LOL. Fits me to a T.

Aww, someone made my day today. ^_^, quite a long time has passed since we last talk, or even see one another. Anyhow, sweet gesture today. Thanks. *you looked damn hot*..

tapi si dia pon semakin kacak...i think a shadowed moustache looks terribly good on him. >.< Arrrgghh. How in the world I can be so...whatever.

Marriage and love??

2009-11-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

Mr P(11/14/2009 9:32:26 AM): yo
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:32:36 AM): I don't know how to ask you this
Mr P(11/14/2009 9:32:42 AM): without sounding really fuckin stupid
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:32:51 AM): but how does marriage work when you're muslim?

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:33:00 AM): ah

Mr P(11/14/2009 9:33:01 AM): cuz I was talking to Mr H
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:33:09 AM): before getting absolutely fucked up
Mr P(11/14/2009 9:33:35 AM): and he was talking about getting married BEFORE getting a girlfriend and unless hes talking about arranged marriage I dave not fucking clue what he's talking about

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:33:40 AM): oh

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:33:41 AM): "have"

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:01 AM): it works like
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:02 AM): hurm

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:34:08 AM): when he said that I just smiled and nodded cuz I'm nice dude and I don't wanna explode in laughter

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:10 AM): let me think how to put it in words
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:11 AM): hahaha

Mr P(11/14/2009 9:34:25 AM): btw I didn't tell you this
Mr P(11/14/2009 9:34:33 AM): don't want to be the "gossip guy"

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:37 AM): lol
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:34:58 AM): it doesn;t really like not getting a gf or anything
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:08 AM): it's like, if u r ready to get married
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:11 AM): or that sort
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:19 AM): to a person that u like
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:29 AM): u kinda instead of having her as ur steady gf
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:31 AM): u propose
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:34 AM): and get married
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:35:47 AM): it's not like u dont know her and u just get married
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:36:03 AM): know physical contact before marriage
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:36:32 AM): but u know her, like her personality, attitude, all that stuff

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:36:43 AM): ah I see
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:36:49 AM): what does the girl say to this?
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:37:02 AM): like

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:37:09 AM): it's up to either the girl or boy, if let say
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:37:11 AM): i like a guy

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:37:15 AM): ah you know what i mean

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:37:20 AM): i'll just approach him
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:37:35 AM): or if the guy that approach me, is someone i dont like
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:37:37 AM): i can just say no

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:38:04 AM): ah

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:38:06 AM): it's like, no emotional attachment or physical attachment until we got married
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:38:09 AM): kinda like that

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:38:12 AM): I see
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:38:23 AM): and why does this practice perpetuate?
Mr P (11/14/2009 9:38:37 AM): sorry I'm just a pretty curious person lol

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:38:40 AM): hahaha
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:38:44 AM): it's fine
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:38:55 AM): well, because i think
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:04 AM): i dunno as much as i shud
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:04 AM): haha
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:19 AM): love is something so special
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:33 AM): that u got to be really serious to whom u gave it

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:39:34 AM): l. o. l.

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:34 AM): i guess
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:35 AM): lol
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:36 AM): hahahahaha
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:41 AM): that sounds gay
eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:39:49 AM): but thats what i think

Mr P (11/14/2009 9:40:39 AM): no, I agree
Mr P(11/14/2009 9:40:56 AM): Love is something you don't hand out on the street
Mr P(11/14/2009 9:41:10 AM): and holy shit this is msn castration

eleenachiqui (11/14/2009 9:41:14 AM): lol

An excerpt of my Chat in saturday morning. Forgive the cursing and all, since my friend is just sober enough to type, yet not so in much to limit himself from cursing. LOL. and, all the name is fabricated, to hide the identity. haha. (he's not a Malaysian, and obviously, a non-Muslim)

I hope I do a good job explaining that subject.

And I wonder...apasal la tanye pasal kawen2 kat aku...ish. >.<

Irked by this human being called K***

2009-11-13T12:51:00.000-08:00

I do not know this person personally and hoped that I never will. Seeing his SPAM EMAILS in the IMAM UK-EIRE yahoo group is enough to make me sense that, he is a troubled person.

No sense of respect to others in the group, and absolutely no amount of sensibility in his brain. Maybe it's all eaten away by the amount of time he took to wrote absolute bullshit that he called intellectuality.

He is a doctor, but unfortunately, I lost all respect for this 1 person. If IMAM UK-EIRE do any events and he's one of the judge, I don't think I can even respect what his opinions are. The reason: If any of you are in the yahoo group, it's clear that he thinks he's the supreme and intellectual of all.

I've read his posts regarding so many things, and truthfully there's no reason why he should post all those kind of NEWS or whatever he called it in the yahoo group. God.

One thing: If you are so into politics in Malaysia, and wanting so badly to improve the situation there, JUST GO HOME. Don't see a reason as to why would you kept on bombarding emails, and countless spams about how injustices are done, how ministries kept all the wealth to themselves (though I do agree with that) and how they should do this, that, bla2.

Tak suka? Complaining won't change anything. Go and work on it. Be a GOD DAMN POLITICIAN all you want, I won't be angry, and I might just support your cause, if you are still true to your religion, and not be blinded by the power and money (remember all those people you badmouth, it might just eat you back..) like all those other people.

Just go and change the world, instead of sitting on your comfy chair, doing spam emails.

Someone can you just block him off or something?????

Without a Heart

2009-11-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

If I say that I’m in pain, I’m scared that I’ll really be in pain
If I say that I’m sad, I’m scared that I will shed my tears
Why don’t I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh
But people ask me why I’m crying,when I’m laughing like this

Have this ever happened to you? Remind me of the time. I never tell anyone much about it. It's brief. But painful. That's the time I come out of the world. Before that, I'm sheltered, I'm safe from these. I went out of my house (as in went out and got to be in a college) and I'm practically quite a late bloomer. haha.

When the line of friendship and betrayal are as thin as paper. When I learn that love to a person named boy/man is not all fairytale, rather it's full of thorns. When independent mean, I have to get up on my feet whenever I'm down on my knee.

Masih ingat, the first word, and the first smile. I literally hate that person at that time. Die adalah typical skema guy of KMB. (no offense, :p) It's funny how I can fall for his words and actions. And in the end, all those are only for fun, for him to play around till he gets the girl he wants.

Back then, I was...literally smashed. My result, my studies, everything suffers. I can't remember what I did, but it was bad. I never felt that way my whole life. And that's really is my first taste of betrayal. Among friends, that's what hurts the most.

I moved on. Me and that girl remain friends. I never harbour any feelings afterward. Rather, I moved on and fall for another guy. All in KMB. But, I am more careful. I share what I'm feeling with my friends.

And yet another betrayal.

We remain friends though. I never harbour any hatred. It's life.

Kalau nak cerita pasal betrayal, it's a long list. But, I'd rather forgive and forget. Move on.

I'm not a hateful person. Tapi, bila hati digores dengan sangat dalam, and when that wound is kept on being opened...Saya juga manusia biasa. Saya cuba untuk memaafkan. Setiap hari saya berdoa, untuk melembutkan hati ini. Untuk melupakan apa yang terjadi. All those incidents. And till now I prayed that I can forgive.

I hate the fact that I can't forget how you hurt me so much. It's been so long, and I still can't get over it. Mungkin hati ini pernah sangat menyayangi kamu, sangat menghargai kamu sehinggakan sangat sukar untuk menelan apa yang kamu berikan kepada diri ini.

Really difficult to see how, not even words can describe it. I even when through a period of gloom and doom. *kene played ngn one of the guy pun I only cried for 3 days*

Sampai sekarang. Sampai sekarang sakit ini masih ada. Terima kasih kawan.

Saya senyap?

2009-11-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

Huah, lately my dear friend always ask this, el..kenape senyap je hari ni?

Dunno what to answer, so I said, ooo aku takde la selalu bising2, ade time ak diam kot. ahaha.

Thinking back, maybe I am less how to say, loud and talkative. I don't know since when I'm getting more serious and observing, rather than the other way round. Doesn't mean that I don't like being loud and talkative (I LOVE IT). Just that, maybe I started to think more of what I really want in this life. Money? Fame? Imaan?

Started to ponder more on what's my role in life. The fact that I'm blessed with Islam since birth, and thus a duty to protect it and to reach those who's not in the light yet.

Started to realize that I'm not living this life for fun, but to serve my deen.

Mungkinlah. I'm still me, I haven't change. Rather maybe inshallah I'm improving for the better. Jangan takut nk mengarut dengan diri ini, I'm still fun. haha, moderately crazy i think.

Senseless -don't read unless you feel like wasting ur time

2009-11-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

Taktau for what purpose this one is.

I felt..weird. This past few days are a bit weird. Tatau apa yang pelik.

Weird with what I told myself: Tak mahu suka lebih dari seorang. Dia sahajalah. What happen to me? Bored.

Got to do a brain scan. >.<

Frontal lobe problem??? haih. So weird.

Terkadang, bila sibuk tak teringat apa rasa hati ini. Tapi, bila alone, rasa tu ada lagi. I want to switch it off.

I know it's a test for me. A test so that I can gain my strength. Tapi, serius rasa macam nak LARI.

Tangled. Plaques. Bricks.

Heh. tu la segala mengarut dalam small compartment of my brain.

Kekalutan yang membuatkan diri sendiri terlupa. Left my coat with my phone at the cafe. Gila.

A symptom of messing it up. I'm messing things up in my heart, and it shows in the way I forget stuff.

Tak bleeehhhh. Got so much to do, and can't keep on being stuck. Waargh.

Nak banish die? I don't thnk I can. Kinda like the KISS song Because I'm a Girl tu la kan.

Although I'll say I hate you,
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl, to whom love is everything.

I gotta admit, I'm a bunch of EMOTIONS tied with a THIN string of logic, and that explains a lot.

Kenapa entry ni bunyik sangat senseless?? I don't have an inkling. Feel free to throw tomatoes. hahaha.

Strangest of the strange

2009-11-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

Mashallah. To know that I never strived to be the strangest of the strange. To feel weird and not up to date when people ask do I go for party since I'm oversea and the answer is no. To feel uncomfortable when asked *don't you celebrate halloween? It's harmless* and I say no. To feel like a sore thumb when I'm the only hijabi alone travelling from Dublin to Malaysia during last summer, and easily pointed as one of the strange.

Islam comes as a strange thing, and will end up being strange again. Glad tidings to the strangers.

I never felt different when I'm back in Malaysia, at least not physically. My dressings are normal, yet here, I could see when you wear hijab, it's a bold statement that you are a muslim, in a non-muslim world. And you become different.

And to seek dignify from Allah's creation is absolute waste. He is the One who own dignity, and He'll give it to whomever He wants.

Being a stranger, Allah will give dignity. It's the essence of principle. When everything goes against you, when the world ridicules and marked us as weird for following Islam as righteous as possible, we do not change. We remain strong, and still kept on going, smiling and laughing, enjoying the life as it is. Though we are seen as terrorist or fundamentalist, or whatever negative words they used toward us, we remain a Muslim through and through. And that's when the dignity come. When people starts to wonder, what is it that makes this strangers so content with their life? and their religion?

Be different. It's a trend. And purify our intention to seek Allah's pleasure, not His creation.

All the way north...

2009-11-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

I go all the way north
Leaving the season that has you
You say you are very tired You already have no way to fall in love with anyone else
The wind blows on the mountain road
The frames in the past are all my wrongs
Counting the shame
How many times I hurt you

I want to travel through time.
See your surprise.
I'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight. I just want to be a million miles away from here.

Just tired, cold, and that skype video where everyone on the other side was so happy, *my dad showing his new haircut* I missed those. I missed them. I missed him.

eyh, my crush is here!!

2009-11-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

God, it's been 2years since I last saw that guy. hahaha. the guy I first get a crush on when I arrived here in Dublin. You see, he's a senior, really mature kinda guy. Tall, soft spoken, nice smile, kinda charismatic in a way, good cook, intelligent, friendly, and Malay. hahaha.

I do not know where I got the courage (or stupidity) to confess to him that I LIKE him, even though I never got to know him. I had fun for the first few days, smsing that person, but then I got bored and I moved on.

Over time, I got mature and I hope I act more wisely...And thus, what a big surprise. He's here in Beaumont Hospital, as an INTERN. Dang.

I met him yesterday and today. Malunyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

He saw me, and he smiled. aaarghhh. My first instinct told me *run*.

My stomach say, stay, you need that soup..mushroom plak tu. huhu. so I stayed strong, take the soup, and when he smile, I guess I smile, sheepishly. MALU okayh.

Then, go to the coffee section. My my..he's cutting the line (ade me and aten je pon) and he said, sorry I cut the line, ehehe. And aten was like, oo tak ape. I was behind her. BUAT BODO.

Aten siap amek kopi, he's still there, filling his coffee i guess. I started to fill mine, and he's like, oh, take this milk. *smile again*

Thanks, take it and go the other way. aiyohhh.

Hari ini, I accidentally ran into him. Dengan gentleman nye, he gave way to us. and I said thanks. When I look back, as my friend asked me something, I caught him looking. And he smiled, again. GOD, and this makes me feel so awkward...

ngaaaaaaaaaaaa. Hanya la ex crush..yang memalukan diri ini..

pengajaran: jangan buat keje gile waktu kanak2. >.<

2009-11-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

Quite a few months have gone by, when I start to feel this feeling.

Terrified that I am too comfortable with this life, that I don't want to work hard for the eternal life after this.

Sometimes, when I forgot the fact, I'll laugh my heads off or just happily enjoying myself doing things, though sometimes the things might not be beneficial to me and my imaan.

And there are times, when I'm afraid of getting compliments as these can be poisonous to my heart, and makes me more vain than I'm already am.

There are moments when, I wished I can stopped being idle. And really make a change for the better.

Terrified, uncertain, and afraid of losing this thin shred of imaan that I have, as I go through this life, getting complicated as years go by, entertwined with dreams and desires..

Desires? There are literally too much. But I know of one thing that I desire badly. My besties know it too.

Dreams? The same with the desire I think.

Sneaky life huh. When human get tempted to love this life more than the ones that awaits us later.

jailbreakin~~

2009-11-01T15:07:00.001-08:00

Got to jailbreak my ipod~~

whooopppss.

Just happy that I didn't lose my skills of a really really crazy downloader. hihi.

I got the high seeing how many apps/vids/songs/etc I downloaded. The harder it's to get, the crazier I'll be.

This is what I basically do since KMB. hahaha. Trust me, seeing the internet at that time was so SLOW, I still managed to download most anime I love, most songs...and many other stuffs.

Okay, gotta go hit my pillow.

Sleepyhead.

Oh yea, I'm in love with straight hair suddenly..can I just buy a straightener and be done with it?? And risking my chances of getting a COACH bag by next summer?? haih..life's complicated with too MUCH money..hahaha, and too little desire.. ;p

merajuk????

2009-10-31T03:13:00.001-07:00

1st time ke?

kinda. Okay, partly my fault. But, it's kinda weird. Jumaat lepas ade ward tutorial, yg venue telah ditukar tu TR3, and the time was 11am.

Surprisingly, we got a very strict tutor who won't allow anyone who's late to enter the class. And, he was late, and well...he can't go in as that tutor was like.. no you're late.

Lepas kelas, check phone. Woops, a missed call and an sms. Asking where's the ward tutorial held. That was at 11.

And I didn't answer the call, nor the sms. My phone was on silent mode, and I put it in my coat, and that coat is on a chair. Obviously I am oblivious to any call or smses during that class. *gile ke nk angkat tepon..nak mati?*

And I don't have any credit, thus the inability to reply the sms after the class finished. I replied back at around 2pm, saying I'm sorry for not attending the call and smses. And just to be sure that he replied, I ask a question (for sure die kene jawab, and he'll answer I know. It's just works that way)

Die tak reply. Hurm, that's weird. That's why I came to that conclusion. Ke tak ada kredit juge? Which is soo not true, seeing that he can call/sms.

Aaaa, sejak ble pandai merajuk2? Friends aren't supposed to merajuk2 kan? hish, kanak2. malas nak layan. apa2 la.

Fine, I'm a bit wrong la, but situation's the fault. what am I to do? Hold on my phone when the class starts just in case it rings? haih.

ape2 laa. cool down la sendiri. Not gonna do anything about it. Though I don't like this. Tak sukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. bukan ke perempuan yg patut merajuk?????

Weak

2009-10-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

Human are incredibly weak. LOL. I mean, if we catch a strain of superbug, we'll have big trouble. DaH la cinonet je bakteria tu, and yet we fell sick like...almost dying. Or, simply, the normal common, winter flu. Woo, once you got it, you know it's not just a fever. It's the feeling of...doom. hahaha.

The point is: winter flu which is caused by very very small virus can make us, a fairly big size organism fell ill. We are not that powerful, thinking like that. Even the King of Najashi die from a simple mosquito. Even the deadliest strain of ebola is just simply..small and simple.

We are dependent on Him. And, sickness, health comes from him. I'm not the best people when I'm sick. I get bad mood, cranky, emotional, and basically, I felt like crap. I should be more thankful, as you see.. sickness is one of the way to purify our deeds. When we are sick, our sin is washed away. So, next time we are sick, remember that (especially me..though I hope to not ever get another winter flu in my life..).

The plus side: You know your housemates are really nice people!~~ hihi.

On another note: today's table quiz was a blast. To those who came, they know how fun it is. And, due to some glitches..I'm in the same group. But it's all turn out good. And yea, I can smile and say it made my day.

2009-10-28T00:16:00.001-07:00

kadang kadang rasa macam nak give up.

Really really feeling like it's taking too much energy, emotions, tears, ape ape lagila.

Dengan mixed signals, and bicara bisu, saya dah penat.

Tapi untuk menyatakan that I wanted to give up dengan loud and clear, saya takut. I can't even say it loud, or in a whisper. Because I'm afraid, of what's waiting ahead.

Penat, hontouni. Memang tak ada apa, tapi dalam hati ini? I'm the only one who can put a stop on what's going on. tapi sendiri pon tak tahu nak buat apa. Lepaskan? Macam melepaskan satu impian. Holding on? Macam mengejar satu ilusi. I dunno what's right and wrong. God, help me with this.

Maybe I'll just wait and see, go with the flow. Or should I?

Pills of Emotions...Valium please!

Well's criteria

Sarcoidosis

Framingham Criteria for CHF

New Blog

Swept me away, now please!!

Medical Musing

You guys rock! Seriously

Random

10 most ridiculous things

SSC write ups. and Hospital!!

Hectic is me..

Take a bow

Life is getting interesting¬

Sweet disposition~

This is not a maniac~

Randomly random

Post International Career Day.

Attachment

What did she say.

SSCs

Post Surgical Rotation

Another week of Surgery

Weekends

Surgery Rotation.

Cranky

Whirlwind 2

Whirlwind

A true story: The Gunner of Med school.

Touching?

Beaumont for ACS.

Weekends..and tae woo again. :p

Aaaa...omomomo.

Another long week

Irony

Rotations

Post holiday~

Yeay, I finished exams

Sakit kepala

Group rotation

CN BLUE~~

Halfway of IC2 exam

Haehujimboda Hapeun Geuriwoom / The Painful Longing Is Worse Than The Break-up

Screw the exam... booohooo

All the Best~

Eomeonimkke (To My Mother)

Life goes on..

CIN,EIN,VIN...I'm dead.

Yea I miss you

Crap.

SLR...or just plain photoshop?

2010

Going gagagugugigi over you!!!

Emosi tu..

Priorities

Frantic day

For a change.

Friends.

Rojak entry. hihi.

We are living in a dream called life

What I Want to Hear

Two is Better than One..

arrogance

Can I stop the time, For now?

Freedom of speech?

Cute song! ^_^

Manusia bermacam ragam

Haven't I Always Loved?

Eid Mubarak!

Male biasness society?

Papadom - I know I love you

kenape saye tak suke tengok bola sepak.

Sarcastic

Quizzing time love~~

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Marriage and love??

Irked by this human being called K***

Without a Heart

If I say that I’m in pain, I’m scared that I’ll really be in painIf I say that I’m sad, I’m scared that I will shed my tearsWhy don’t I just laugh, just laugh, just laughBut people ask me why I’m crying,when I’m laughing like this

Saya senyap?

If I say that I’m in pain, I’m scared that I’ll really be in pain
If I say that I’m sad, I’m scared that I will shed my tears
Why don’t I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh
But people ask me why I’m crying,when I’m laughing like this